The Clan of the Transformation Impaired

Well, I must say that if the polar opposite of suffering is boredom, Im not suffering at all. I’m pretty bored.

Boredom seems to kind of lead me into depression. Boredom to me is also lack of emotion. I either feel a lot of things (and am not bored) or I feel nothing (and am seriously bored). If I’m bored and have nothing to do, I seem to focus on myself and how I “need to be doing something” to be a worthwhile individual. I tend to end up mulling over painful things that make me unworthy of everything…happiness, love, the air I breathe…

What can pain be transformed into? I can transform it into artwork or some sort of writing…what else? I think pain can be transformed into compassion for others…maybe you can help someone else because of the pain you’ve felt.

If pain was not felt or forgotten, think how weird the world would be. It would be kind of freaky if no one felt any sort of pain…like some weird movie or something. I think if you’ve forgotten the things that have hurt you, it isnt able to shape you into the person you’re supposed to be.

Pain isnt going away. Certain things are going to stick with me forever. I guess you just have to figure out a way to survive it and use it. That’s the hard part…surviving and transforming…Both require some sort of energy, some hope, an outlook that the future is going to be better and that you are going to be useful in sort of way at some point…and that’s hard when you feel like you are worthless, that life is too much to bear, and you feel like the pain will never let up… I have a new name for people like myself : The Clan of the Transformation Impaired.

Obviously, some people are better at transforming pain that some of us. Can you learn to do this? Is there a secret to it? …a lot of us fail…almost daily…at coping…and some of us even fail at surviving. Whats the secret?

I don’t have an answer, but here is how I survive when the pain is so heavy that an early exit seems appropriate: 1) I have to remember that someone loves me…even if I cant think of a human that really does, I have to trust that God does. 2) I have to let go of trying to sort out my mess myself and let go of it. 3) I have to remember that I am here for some reason that I may be totally unable to imagine at the moment. I try to remind myself that the pain Ive experienced makes me who I am and cling to that iota of hope that who I am may be just what someone needs. 4) I pray for strength that I don’t have

Maybe the better you understand that life is all about transforming your experiences…..the better you become at actually doing it?