wild abandon - a bipolar blog

2010

2010-05-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

I know I havent written in forever, but I've had a few comments so I thought I would send an update.

Life is pretty good right now. My meds have been the same for a while and seem to be working well. I am on Lamictal, Cymbalta and Limbitrol. Married life is treating me just fine and I have been pretty stable for a long time. I am still smoking, which really sucks.

I hope that all is well with everyone. If there is one thing I've learned through the process of being diagnosed and living with bipolar disorder is that it takes a lot of work and patience to make it. I have worked my butt of to try to tame this thing. Things arent perfect, of course, there are still ups and downs. I imagine my ups and down are still more severe than the average persons'. Thats life for me and I have to manage things the best I can and I have really good support from a few loved ones...I've been lucky in that sense. There are a few people who have hung in there with me through some rough stuff.

I still have the fear that one day I will just completely lose my mind. Perhaps thats a bit healthy though. I think that fear drives me to do the best I can NOW so things don't go sour later.

The worst part of this has been the process of getting the right meds. Its a terrible feeling to feel like a guinea pig. Thankfully, it finally happened for me. That doesnt mean these meds will work forever though and I am aware of that. I just try to take things as they come and pay attention to my moods so I can catch myself before life spins out of control one way or the other.

I havent written in a while because I have been really busy with work and with school. I will receive my Masters degree in December and I have a job that I love (most of the time!).

I am ready to start a family. Are there any bipolar women out there that have gone through this? I do not want to take much medication if I can get pregnant to reduce the risk of problems with the baby. With the economy how it is, I am not sure how soon we will try, but I am attempting to get myself ready for it. I need all the advice I can get. We aren't really encouraged to have children, I know...but my husband and I really love kids and I hope it can happen for us.

later everyone. hope all is well.

Holy Crap, I'm alive!

2008-07-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, its true. I am still breathing. I cant believe I havent posted here since Christmas. I am not even going to try to catch everyone up on December - July so I'll just go with whats going on today.

Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Cymbalta 30mg, Geodon 120mg, Klonopin .5 mg/ twice a day. I think thats it.

When I last posted I was taking Abilify, so I'll give you a short run down on how that ceased. Basically, I started having tremors...hands, mouth, tongue. So that had to go. Then came Risperdal, that made me lactate. Ummm...yeah, if youve never had that happen, let me just promise you it is weird. Sooo...back to Geodon, which I have taken in the past. Its been a while, possibly 6 months or so that I have been on it, and all is well.

I wanna thank you guys for continuing to read even though I am a slacker. I will try to do better. I am just really trying not to dwell on the illness. I do like the fact that this blog seems to help some people, so Im hanging on to it. I appreciate all the comments.

later.
jil

alittle better

2007-12-19T13:59:00.001-08:00

Aha, here I am again.

Medicine Run-down – 90mg Cymbalta, 20mg Abilify, 12.5mg Ambien, and 200mg Lamictal. 900000 mg nicotine from my cigs

I am just coming out of a major depressive bout. I must say it was a rough one. I’ve been drawing some though and trying to keep spirits up. I usually don’t do well this time of year. From the day the time changed I have been up and down and mainly down. I think I am finally adjusting.

Ive been drawing a lot. If anyone is interested, check out some stuff I did at deviantart. Its at http://sunraven0.deviantart.com

Tonight we have to go to a Christmas Party. My stomach has been acting up, so I don’t exactly know how I’ll make it, but I will. It will probably be fun, and hey – Olive Garden is always good.

Anyway, my mood feels a bit more stable. My Abilify was increased a bit, so I guess that helped. I’ve also been trying to drink more water and watch my wheat intake. I don’t know if it will help, but hell, its got to be good for you.

Hope all is well with everyone. I am trying to think of things to read and draw so any suggestions are welcome. If I draw something you suggest, I’ll post it on deviantart so you can see it.

Later Gators.

ugh

2007-11-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Someone asked about Cymbalta. It has worked for me for a long time, but the depression has kicked its way through again with a vengeance. I started 25mg Pamelor at night, but it doesn’t seem to do anything other than make me not sleep. Ive been on Cymbalta so long I don’t remember how long it took to do the trick, but I had been through the gamut of anti-depressants before I found one that worked, and sadly it seems like its run its course.

I burned myself with a cig for the first time in over a year tonight. Not good.

I want to roll up in a ball. Maybe its just that time of year.

Reading

2007-11-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

Anyone read anything good lately? I must confess, once upon a time, I was an avid reader….but no more. My attention span isnt what it used to be these days. Tonight I found myself having time and wanting to indulge myself in something in the literary realm, but even after reading half of the backs of the books that I havent read that are on my shelves, nothing grabbed me. I prefer non-fiction most of the time. A good memoir, or something…I don’t know.

I have a hard time concentrating. I made it through church tonight though. The last time we went, I had to leave after about 30 minutes because I couldn’t bear to be still for one more second. I can sit down and talk to people, but on my own…working, reading, whatever…I just cant focus for more than 15 minutes or so.

My NP said I could add Welbutrin to the mix and that might help, but I don’t really want to add anything else. I am taking Lamictal, Cymbalta, Abilify, Ambien CR…blah blah blah. No thank you to the idea of more medication.

Anyway, I am open to reading suggestions. I am going to go play on amazon and see if anything pops out. I am going to give the reading thing a try again. Seriously, I used to read a couple of books a week or more and I havent read a book that doesn’t deal with something for school or photoshop in over a year :( That’s just pitiful.

Im a smoker, damn it.

2007-11-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the blog. I havent been here in a long time.

I had a doc appointment today….wasnt bad, no med changes, life isnt sucking too incredibly much, so who am I to complain. My NP is the coolest. For someone who started their insanity ride through docs and counsellors about 17 years ago, that’s saying a lot. Ive never stuck with anyone or trusted anyone that Ive talked to like I do her. Good thing of the day.

Ive been shaking a lot. Not sure why. I am supposed to go have my blood sugar tested tomorrow. I know nothing about that sort of thing, so I will let you know what happens. Hmmm. Could it be the pumpkin spice lattes I had today? Maybe I should put them on the list with Red Bull.

Failure: Smoking. Should I say more? I smoke like a chimney.

Triumph: Cutting down Mountain Dew intake. Only one a day (or none, since I had pumpkin spice lattes).

I’ve been alittle down as of late. I forgot my sisters birthday (she ran away 16 years ago – see previous blog posts somewhere). I never forget her birthday. I like to do something on that day that’s kind of special….it makes me feel like she’s doing the same thing somewhere. Basically, forgetting it sucked really bad. I have got to get over it, but its always been a big deal to me….keeping a part of her alive in my mind even though she’s nowhere to be found. Long story.

Anyway, I think that kind of put me in a funk alittle bit….but I shall persevere.

Advice of the Day

2007-08-15T05:48:00.001-07:00

Jil's advice of the day: If you are Bipolar, do not drink 9 million Red Bulls in a day because you will go crazy and never sleep. I know this from experience and have learned from my dreadful mistake. It really gives you wings.

24 days no smoking. I rock!

Not much else going on. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up. That should be interesting....especially since Ive gained about 50 lbs since high school (thank you Zyprexa)....and people I havent seen in a long time have no clue who I am. Nice.

I am selling my motorcycle. Anyone want it? I really hate to, but I need a car....extremely bad.

Man, I am tired...but no Red Bull for me!! I was watching the clock about every 5 minutes last night, paranoid that it was wrong and I'd miss work. Yes, I am quite strange. I drank 2 of the really big Red Bulls yesterday and God knows how many Mountain Dews....lets just say I was wound up!! Now I can hardly keep my eyes open because I didnt sleep :(

OOOOHHHH WEEELLLLLL Thats it from me for the moment.

No Smoking!!

2007-07-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today is Day #2 of no smoking!! Yay! It does suck though, I must say. I am
taking Chantix. I think its helping because I am not going as completely nuts as
I have in the past when I have tried quitting. I DID have a major crying fit a
little while ago, but hey- what do you expect when youve been smoking for nearly
16 years and then you arent any more. I will keep you all updated on the no
smoking progress.

Life is good. Not much going on. Anyone here play with Joomla much? I am working
on one of my sites with it and its pretty cool. I could use a few pointers
though.

My meds were pretty much doubled since the last time I was here I think.
Lamictal 200mg, Abilify 10mg, Cymbalta 90mg. It seems to be doing the job at the
moment. Im not too out of control either way, so I think thats an accomplishment
when you are Bipolar.

Will be back soon....

another update

2007-06-24T04:36:00.000-07:00

I know Ive been slacking lately, but Ive been struggling alittle and I am finally coming out of the dark. I have been depressed. Not severely, just down. My paranoia is alot better since the abilify has been added to the mix again. But, I must say I hate it. Ive stayed really hungry and in turn I am sure I am gaining 900 pounds as we speak. My sleeping patterns are crazy. Its sunday...no work...and I am up at 6:30. eeeeeeewwwww.
Not much to update on. Jeremys car blew up and we got a new (to us) truck. He is proud and so cute washing it and stuff :) He is such a sweetie.
Ive been painting some....so I am feeling better. I know I am down when I dont feel like doing ANYTHING. I am teaching an online class on Photoshop and Im having a good time doing it. Not too incredibly stressful. My NP doesnt really want me to go back to school and I dont think I want to go back anyway. I have tooooo much going on already!
Thats it for the moment....more later.

Update

2007-06-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. I had taken an internet hiatus for a while. I crashed from my mania into the depths of depression. Fun, fun. I am still there, unfortunately. I dont know if it was the mania or the depression, but I got intensely paranoid....staying on the internet far too much, reading about the government, conspiracies....all the crap I shouldnt read when I am having an episode. Anyway, I got extremely hopeless and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders....sooo Hello again, Abilify.
My hands are shaky, I am terribly overly emotional about everything, and just plain sucky, I must say. I am going on an emergency visit to my NP tomorrow and maybe she can straighten me out. Anyway, I wanted to give an update since its been a while. I will write more later when my brain settles.

Mothers Day & A Cup of Hypomania

2007-05-14T06:28:00.001-07:00

I hope all you mothers out there had a great mother's day. I went to visit my mom, grandmother, and aunt. It was good and the food at my grandmother's always rocks. I used to really not like mother's day, but it's cool now because it reminds me of all the awesome women that I have been fortunate enough to have in my life. I love my mom. I used to be really bitter and angry with her. I guess I finally realized that parents aren't supposed to be perfect and they quite often screw up. I guess I kind of avoided my mom for a few yearsok, a lot of years.and at different times in my life a couple of ladies have stepped up and kicked my ass when needed (which is still quite often). Through family crisis, high school stupidity, alcohol, drugs, different lifestyle choices, the biggest breakup of my life, SEVERE mental breakdowns, spiritual conflicts when I couldn't talk to family, there have been a couple of "moms" I could count onthat pull ed me through, kicked my butt, and made me keep going. They made me make choices that I didn't think I could make, listened when I cried, fed me, and gave me a place to stay when I didn't have anywhere to go. When others gave up on me, they didn't. They bandaged wounds physical and emotional, called doctors when I refused, pulled pills out of my pockets, and one even whopped me upside the head a couple of times (I deserved it, I am sure)!! Even though I frustrated the hell out of them, made them cry, drove them insane I can still count on the ones that have been there with me, and I love them like they gave birth to my sorry ass!

Totally different note: I haven't slept in like a week. Mania is fun for about 3 days and then it sucks. I'm taking meds for my stupid foot (I have a month left of taking those) and an occasional Lortab for my 2 frickin abscessed teeth (did I mention I have to have a root canal and an extraction in the same day next weekuuuggghh). Anyway, the meds apparently keep me up. My NP told me the other day that they could make me manic. She was right. I cant find any Vistaril, so I guess I need to call and get another prescription. I sleep about 2-3 hours a night. I feel like CRAP. I am tired and frustrated!

Unsettled

2007-05-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

I never in my life thought I would say this, but I miss home. I worked so hard when I was young to get out of my hometown. I hated it growing up, and I have no idea why I have the need to be there now. I guess its different now that I have gotten older. Ive patched things up considerably with my family in the past few years, after spending years of avoiding them as much as possible. I don't know why I want to be there right now, but I do.

Ive thought about us moving back. There is a facility like the one I work at now located in my hometown, and I don't know of anyone there that does residential house plans there, so J would be able to do his own thing. Im just not sure he would go for it. It is where my family is, but its farther away from his. It is closer to Jackson, and there are more opportunities in our field there also. We could buy a bigger house there for a better deal than we could here. I don't know.

I'm not sure why I am hating where we are. Maybe I am not happy with any place. It seems like every time I settle somewhere I feel the need to root up and take off. Ive been here longer than I have stayed anywhere since I left home. I don't feel like many people here really know me. The ones that know of me have some warped idea of who I am.which happens most places I go, I just feel like I've been here for a while and haven't made many connections outside of a couple of friends and Jeremy, of course.

I have some weird need to be with the people I grew up with. I have reconnected with a few friends from home through the wonders of myspace and facebook. I'm sure I will get over this weirdness soon. Another thing is that I feel like I don't have much time left with my grandparents, and I'd like to spend more time with them. Maybe its my peter pan complex or something, I have no idea. I just want to be with my family and the people who have known me since I was a kid. Theres some sort of authenticity or something that I want.

I feel used here. Most people don't take the time to know you, they want to know what you can do for them. I think its like that most places. If you work hard at work or at school, you are just pushed to work harder, faster, and more is put on your platebut if you start off as a lazy ass, you aren't expected to do crap and you get by anyway. I guess thats life. I don't know, I feel like J and I are both taken advantage of at school. I think the school thing is out the window for me. Maybe I am just not good at letting people in. I vote we move to a cave in like Minnesota or something. Are there caves in Minnesota?

Anyway, I've lived a few different places. I've traveled a lot. I always thought I wanted to be far away from home, making lots of money, having lots of fun partying.I just don't feel that way now. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery, I would move my whole entire family to the west coast.no doubt. But, they aren't there so that's not where I want to be right now.

Falling Apart, Literally

2007-05-01T05:40:00.001-07:00

Ok, what the hell happened to my seventeen year old body and what the hell is this thing it has been replaced with. I swear I haven't even reached 30 yet and my body is totally revolting.

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist. Yes, the podiatrist, like an old person. I guess its better than the proctologist, but it made me feel old just the same. My 86 year old grandpa is the only other person I know that has to go to the podiatrist. Anyway, my stupid foot has been hurting for about a month and a half. BAD. It hurts to even barely touch the inside of my left foot. It kinda looks alittle funny and its swollen. I almost knocked Jeremy in the head one night because his foot accidentally hit mine when we were going to sleep. Not good.

Let me also say that I do not do anything other than sit my ass in front of a computer all day long. Work, school, home I am always in front of the computer. I do not run marathons, or even walk down the street unless it is completely necessary. This is why my seventeen year old 6 pack abs have turned into a case of snack packs or something, but that is a story for another day.

The foot doc asked me if I remember doing something to my foot and honest to God, all I can think of is having the worst leg cramp of my entire life the night before my foot started killing me. The next day my whole entire leg and foot was sore and my foot just got worse. How completely stupid is that. I have to be the only person on earth that can injure themselves in their sleep.

He said that he wants to x-ray my foot, but he wants to wait until the swelling goes down. He thinks that the leg cramp "flipped" the tendon in my foot and I just have really bad tendonitis from it getting agitated. Nice, huh. Anyway, I have to go back in a week for an x-ray. Until then I have to wear this stupid wrap thing on my foot that makes it hurt like hell. I really cant put any weight on it now, and because of that, my knee on my other leg is hurting. Good God, I need to borrow my grandpa's electric scooter and get it over with.

In other non-foot news, we stayed up alllllllll night working on our final project for our virtual reality class. It is due today. At 3 am I said, screw it and went to bed. Mine is not finished. I have no clue what time J came to bed, but it was way after 3. I, of course, woke up at 5:45, again, like an older person, and here I am. I am tired and ill, I have to go to work, my project is not finished, and my foot freaking hurts. I give up.

Letters to the Editor

2007-04-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe I am over-reacting....whatever. I recently picked up a copy of my school newspaper and read some of the letters to the editor. It seems that whenever I read the school newspaper, something pisses me off. Here is the letter that sent me into orbit, and my response to it. All names have been taken out.

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Given the negative press the UPD is getting regarding their arrest of a student for sending threatening messages on myspace, I have to take a minute out of the chaos called the end of the semester to say kudos to UPD and the other law enforcement agencies involved for actually taking a threat seriously. I also have to commend the faculty member who came forward to say he or she had been threatened for having the courage to do so.

First of all, I must say I do not know Mr. ***, nor has he been proven guilty. He may very well be innocent. Therefore, the following is not necessarily directed at him but at the events of the last few weeks regarding safety on university campuses and everywhere else for that matter. As the victim of threats in the past, I think the following needs to be said.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how well you think you know a person, you can NEVER know if they will do something crazy. Mental illness does that to people. One minute som eone can be the most wonderful, loving person in the world, the next minute they can turn into a horrible, incredibly violent person. The Cho family said last week they can't believe that their son/brother would do something that terrible. The person who went on a shooting rampage at Virginia Tech was not the Seung-Hui Cho they knew. Cho was mentally ill and many of those who are mentally ill are excellent deceivers. We have got to come up with a better way to handle the mentally ill in this country, especially those with violent tendencies. We have gotten so politically correct that we don't even let people know that someone around them has a problem that could lead to violence. It's terrible that someone is mentally ill but the safety of innocent people should come before the "privacy" of someone who is violent and mentally ill.

Also, once someone has threatened someone else, the person threatened has no way to know if the threatener will actually carry out those threats. Many, if not most, threats are probably never intented to be carried out. But, you can never know for sure. That's why people who make threats need to think before they speak or otherwise deal with the consequences (ie. jailtime). Noone should have to live in constant fear, just because someone spoke a few careless words.

I have much more to say but no space or time to say it. One last thing, I was a little leery about signing this letter with my real name. Unfortunately, one thing I've learned in life is there are very few people you can actually trust and putting my name out there almost makes me feel like a target. Too many people are stalked and threatened everyday and we never hear about it. Victims are afraid to come forward about it because they could face violent consequences from the person who threatened them especially if their claims are not taken seriously by law enforcement. I refuse to stop living my life and speaking out because of fear. Franklin Roosevelt said it best when he said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." If this letter makes me a target, so be it.

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There you go......that pissed me off......and here is MY letter to the editor, which will most likely not be printed because it makes too much damn sense :)

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I have 2 words for *** **** : Educate Yourself. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but she sits in her classes every day with mentally ill people. One out of every 10 people in this country has a mood disorder, and I am one of them.

Never, even in my deepest lows or highest manic states, have I been a violent person. In fact, I think of myself as very laid back and successful. I have a state job, I am a graduate student at ***, and I maintain a 4.0 GPA even though I work full-time. I am married to a wonderful man and lead a fairly normal, productive life.

I had no idea that such ignorance existed today on college campuses. Surely if Ms. *** had even sat through PSY 101, she would know that the vast majority of mentally ill people are not violent. I am frustrated by her comments because her insensitive remarks only add to the stigma that mentally ill people face daily.

Succumbing to an ideology that a group of people need to be "handled" in this country is no different that what happened in Nazi Germany. I find her remarks to be dehumanizing, seeming to refer to people with mental illness as a group that should wear scarlet letters on their chests so everyone can stay away from them. What's next, sending us to concentration camps?

Had Ms. Foster bothered to google "mental illness and violence", she would have discovered these facts:

1. Research has shown that the vast majority of people who are violent do not suffer from mental illnesses.

2. People with psychiatric disabilities are far more likely to be victims than perpetrators of violent crime.

3. People with severe mental illness are 2 1⁄2 times more likely to be attacked, raped or mugged than the general population.

4. Someone with Schizophrenia is 2,000 times more likely to harm themselves than they are likely to harm someone else.

If we all lived being afraid of the mentally ill, we would have been afraid of: Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Sir Isaac Newton, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Theodore Roosevelt, John Nash, Buzz Aldrin, and many others who have greatly contributed to society, despite their disabilities.

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There you go. Overboard for nothing? Or did I have the right to be pissed??

Rant of the Day

2007-04-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to stir things up. I know you all love it when I do this. I'm sure I'll get some interesting rants & raves from this one, but I must speak what is on my mind.

In my last blog I informed you all of a guy at my school who was arrested for making "threats" on myspace. These threats were seen by a professor, reported to campus police, and the calvary was sent out. The kid remains in jail on a $1 million bond. Now, I dont know this kid, and let me say that if he was really planning on coming and shooting us up to smitherenes, I would be the first to say to lock him up and throw away the key. However, most of the information reguarding the "threats" have not been disclosed and things are starting to look alittle fishy.

In keeping up with the lovely case, I have read what this kids friends on myspace say are the bulletins that got him arrested. The worst thing in the bulletins are quotes from the Columbine killers. I believe that the kid was trying to make a point though, I dont think he was actually agreeing with what the Columbine guys said. I think he was pointing to the ways the nutso kids think after the trajedy at VT. On his myspace page, the young man has a couple of stories - some alittle violent, but mostly silly and immature and nothing that threatens anyone. He has posted rants on a couple of issues and used language thats pretty vulgar and says things that are offensive to many people....but still no direct threats. If you can go to jail for being a complete moron, this kid shouldve been locked up long ago. Apparently, when his home (that he shares with his grandmother) was searched, many weapons were found, but none were illegal and he had owned most of them for a long time.

When asked by local reporters why he had the weapons, the kid responded "I collect guns, I havent threatened anyone. This is a huge misunderstanding."

Heres where I am going to upset some people. I dont want this to seem like I am taking up for a would-be murderer, I just havent seen anything that warrants his arrest. I certainly wouldnt take up for someone who could have riddled me with bullets, but I dont think this kid was going to hurt anyone. If he did threaten someone on the internet, that is a felony in our state, but police have not offered up any evidence thus far to prove that was the case. Everyone on his friends list that saw what he posted said that nothing was aimed at anyone, the kid likes to get people rialed up, and police have obviously misunderstood some of his statements.

With what I have seen so far, this case makes me really afraid to post online....which I obviously do quite often. If the police here read my blog, I'd probably be locked up in an institution for the rest of my years. Maybe its the liberal in me coming out (which doesnt always go over well where I am from), but I am afraid that our civil liberties are slowly being taken away. Freedom of Speech is something we all take for granted. I can come here and call the president a dumbass, or my school a shithole, and its cool....for now. When did it become a crime to rant about things? If every psychopath online that posts sick fantasies about death or sex or whatever was arrested, we wouldnt have enough jails. So this kid has guns. Last time I checked, that isnt a crime.

If you go online and say, "I hate ____, I'm going to shoot them with my gun"...then, yes-crime.

If you go online and say things that make people uncomfortable, things that piss people off, things that shock people....well, if they arrest you, you should be in the same cell as Rob Zombie, Stephen King, and whoever made those stupid Saw movies. God forbid you do all of that AND own guns. Youre screwed when big bro comes knocking on your door because you said you didnt like your teacher on myspace.

I dont have guns....for various reasons. Mainly because I am likely to fall into some deep depression at some point and use the damn thing on myself. If someone breaks in my house, I will have to rely on my ninja skills and my baseball bat. I am not in the NRA. I think Charleston Heston is a nutcase. But - I believe if there is a law on the books that says you have the right to bear arms, then you should have the right to bear arms as long as you follow the law.

I just dont want to live in a place that polices people before they commit a crime. They look suspicious, they lock them up. They say something off the wall, they lock them up. This could be dangerous for us ALL...as citizens first, as writers, as artist, as bloggers. Ever seen Minority Report? If you havent - rent it. I hate Tom Cruise, but the movie is really good. The world could honestly become like that, where people are put in prison because they "might" commit a crime. This becomes even more realistic as genetics are figured out...have too much of a chemical that causes violence when youre born? Locked Up. Its a possibility we should all be aware of....especially those of us with mental illness.

I hate to seem like a weirdo conspiracy theorist, because I am really not. I just think its important that we stand up for our rights and we dont let people get run over that dont deserve it.

Crazy Frickin World

2007-04-19T08:01:00.001-07:00

The breaking news of the day: Some crazy dude was coming to kill us all at school. Thank God we arent there very much!! Apparently this guy was posting stuff on myspace about killing people and a bunch of crap about some girl (who apparently didnt want anything to do with the dude). The girl told a professor at our school, who checked out the guys myspace page and alerted authorities. The guy is 25 years old, and a student in the architectural program (the program that J and I are in), which means he takes classes in our building. The police were called and went to the guys house with a search warrant. He had an ARSENAL in the trunk of his car! He was coming after us! They say that the myspace stuff started before the horror at VT. Good Lord, you never know, do you?

I dont even want to talk much about the VT stuff. I think that the media is way out of line with what they release. Personally, knowing the guy was nuts is enough for me. I do not care to see pictures of him brandishing weapons 24/7 and mumbling about how shitty his life was. No thanks, and Im sure the people in Virginia dont want to see it either. Cant the media drop it and let the families and the campus heal instead of pouring salt in the wounds every 5 seconds with more info than anybody wants to know. The media is just doing what the killer wanted them to do....they are giving him the attention he wanted, and they are planting this kind of crap in the minds of other wackos who will want to out-do this kid. I'm tired of it. Im praying for the victims families, the family of the psycho, and I hope that God will place his hand on their shoulders and help them through this. Its awful.

I hope all of this crap doesnt intensify the stigma of the mentally ill. Of course, it will...I am sure. Obviously, the VT guy didnt want help. He had chances to change things...to help himself....people tried to help him, but he obviously wasnt having it. You cant be helped if you arent willing to be helped. I learned that early on in the Bipolar diagnosis stage, thank God. I had to accept help, be open to things, be honest to my doc, and work HARD to get to where I am now. Its not frickin easy, as anyone with bipolar disorder can tell you. It SUCKS. New meds, side effects, not sleeping, sleeping too much, invasive thoughts, sounds, nightmares, the spending, the shaking, the crying...just read my archives, my story is there. You have to be willing to hang on to the hope that theres light on the other side of the tunnel....even if youre hanging by a string at times. You have to WANT to be well, or youre never going to be. You have to WORK to be pulled out of the misery, y ou cant just lay down and take it or it will overtake you. It can get out of control. You have to get off your ass, as hard as it may be, and DO something...even with no energy, even if you cant brush your teeth, even with everything crashing around you....and it SUCKS, but its necessary if you want to ever have any kind of decent quality of life. I struggle all the time....but not as often and not as severe as I used to, and theres such a difference from where I was to where I am now, that I feel like a totally different person....still me, but not so sad and angry and guilty and crazy. Bipolar doesnt go away, but we can give it hell.

Other things: Chantix? Anyone? I need to stop smoking damn it. I need a cig right now. crap.

later.

Ramblings of the Day

2007-04-17T07:05:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody,

I want to thank everyone thats stopped by and left comments. I thought I had lost everyone! Hopefully things will pick up around here.

Not much is going on. I went and watched my littlest bro play tennis yesterday. He is playing for a junior college and was playing against the local junior college where I live. It was good to see him, but I must say that I didnt know I hated tennis until yesterday. Good Lord, it lasts forever!! ....and nothing exciting ever happens!! Sorry if you are a major tennis fan, I just dont get it. Now I am sunburned and I have a headache. Yay.

Other than that, all thats happening is work and school. Work hasnt been too stressful lately though. Last week we had Special Olympics, which is always cool. This Friday we are having a Relay for Life Day with some cool things going on....I've got one of my friend's band to play, so that should be fun. School sucks as usual. We were up REALLY late doing homework AGAIN last night. I am tired. Whats freakin new. This school thing is getting old fast, Im not sure if Im going to make it. I'd rather spend my time doing stuff around the house.

We didnt get to use the tiller this weekend :( The weather sucked. I was disappointed. I hope I can get the dirt destruction happening soon. Jeremy has poison ivy all over himself. I feel really bad for him. He is an itchy mess. Yuck! I think he's going to go get a shot today.

On to the point of this blog (which is not always just about random crap going on in my life)..... I got this email from a reader the other day and I wanted to share the links with everyone because the sites are REALLY good. The videos are especially good and theres lots of info for the Bipolar crowd:

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Hi Jil,

I run a number of mental health Web sites. I came across your blog some time ago, and I have followed your adventures with interest. It's good to have you back. :)

To (quickly) give you a little bit of background on the sites I run BipolarConnect, MyDepressionConnection, AnxietyConnection and Schizophrenia Connection these sites are designed to help patients find the information they need, manage their conditions, and connect with others through our recently launched SharePost feature, in which individuals can set up a profile and write blogs, questions, recommendations basically whatever is on their mind that they'd like to sha re with the community.

In addition, we have launched a few new projects that I thought might be of interest to you. We have recently expanded the scope of our content with two new videos, produced in collaboration with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), featuring community members sharing their stories of diagnosis and recovery.

Finally, to give you a sneak preview of some exciting new projects coming up within the next few weeks, we plan to launch a video presentation by our lead Expert Patient John McManamy, in which he shares his insight on living well with depression and bipolar disorder. We have also a number of video interviews produced in alliance with NARSAD of some of the top psychiatrists and researchers in the country about the latest research and coping strategies for depression and bipolar disorder.

I would love it if you would stop by, pay us a visit and let me know what you think!

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Go check them out.....all of the sites are really informative, and like I said, the videos are great. I really think seeing the faces of people like us who deal with the same issues really helps us to know that we arent alone.

On another note (Im going to shut up in a minute), has anyone used Chantix to stop smoking? I've tried everything in the world: patches, losenges, gum, even some huge green herbal pills that were disgusting... soooooo, I just was wondering if anyone had used Chantix, if it interfered with any other meds, if youve had luck with it, all that kind of stuff. Ive got to quit smoking. I hate it. I hate it and love it at the same time :(

later.

Jil's Blog - I told you so...

2007-04-12T11:05:00.001-07:00

See, 2 days in a row...I really am back. Youre all amazed, I know. My goal is writing here once a week these days, we'll see how that goes.

Not that much has changed since yesterday.

I talked to mom, she has seen wedding pictures. I have not. She says that since it was so dark, the photographer was having to do some doctoring....but she says theyre awesome. He is going to try to burn us a cd of some that he is finished with to hold us over. Cant wait to see them. I'll post a couple when I get them. Good Lord, it is taking him forever to "doctor".

Im ready for the weekend. We are working in the yard Saturday if nothing else interferes. My bro is supposed to be bringing us a tiller. I wanna drive the tiller thing!! Scary, huh. I will have dug up the whole yard, I can see it now.

I think we have to do some homework. We are supposed to have a character animated by the 23rd and my character isnt even finished, much less animated. I hate school crap.

We are supposed to be getting our house plan business started in full swing when school is out...which isnt that far away. I am working on our websites. I think we are going to have 1 big umbrella company with some smaller companies underneath...one for house plans, one for 3d models/animation, one for graphics and presentations, and possibly another for some video editing stuff. We havent nailed it all down for sure.

Another thing we are planning to do pretty soon is start visiting schools and talk about what we do....maybe let some kids know what they need to study to create video games, 3d models, or what they need to do to get into architecture. I figure they will like seeing J's robot that he modeled more than anything. I think first up is the school where my step-dad teaches computer technology stuff. We are also planning on donating some art supplies to some schools. J is really into that since most schools dont even have art programs anymore...how sad for the kids that could make a living doing that sort of thing!! How can you draw plans, storyboards, etc. if you dont learn somewhere! Anyway, I'm hoping we can do this stuff soon. I've gotta talk to some people and get it all lined up.

Thats it from me. Anybody got anything going on, or has everybody stopped reading since I disappeared for like 3 months!!

later.

I'm Back (I Think)

2007-04-11T06:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am alive. I know its been a long time since I have written here. The wedding stuff, school, and the busiest freakin month ever at work kind of put a damper on the blogging thing.

I am a married woman. YAY The wedding turned out awesome. It was fun, and our honeymoon to Oregon was great....we saw tons of sealions, an eagle, and all sorts of stuff. I really liked the coast and Portland. The japanese garden in Portland was really beautiful. We didnt want to come home.....but here we are. Now we are working on doing house stuff. We're doing alot in the yard (so far its been Jeremy doing lots of stuff in the yard, but I am hoping to get out there and get dirty soon). Life has calmed a lot since the wedding is over and done with, thank the good Lord.

We've been focusing a lot on school. I am sooooo ready for summer break. I taught a class last night and it was interesting. I really have lost faith in undergrads at my college. I think about 4 people understood what the hell I was talking about last night and 2 of them were Jeremy and myself. However, I didnt get too many stupid questions. I think the really stupid people were so dumbfounded that they didnt even know what to ask. I think I am finished teaching stuff for the semester. I am glad. I used to think I could teach, but I dont think I can. I just have no patience with dumb people and I dont like being asked the same question 50 times. Honestly, the whole reason for getting my master's was to teach on the college level....but that was a total pipe dream. I would totally go off on someone and it would not be good. No teaching for me. I can understand young kids who dont grasp material, but Seniors in college should be alittle deeper into the learning process and I swe ar some of them act like Freshmen. Oh well, no teaching for me.

I havent been here to give any bipolar updates lately. Not much has changed. I am still on my same meds and I seem to be fairly stable. Meds - 100mg Lamictal, 60mg Cymbalta. I have quit taking everything else. No more Abilify. I have "crazy moments" on occasion...some noise in my ears...but nothing that Im not able to handle. I think it helps alot to have someone at home to keep me busy. I usually have a waaaaay tougher time with the depression side of things and I havent been too totally down in a while. My energy level sucks, but thats really all I have to complain about....and since I have been so busy, its probably normal to be tired all the time. My doc visits are less frequent than they used to be, which I suppose means that I am kind of where I need to be at the moment and thats a good thing.

I was reading through some old e-mails and I guess it kind of hit me how far Ive come from where I was 5 years ago. At that time I was in a relationship that was making me crazier than I was by being bipolar in the first place. I had just started meds and they were totally kicking my ass....getting used to them was not fun, and changing things so much made my brain complete chaos. When I ended the relationship I was in, I had nowhere to live....and just didnt think life in general was for me. Thank God for meds and the passage of time. At that time I never thought it was possible to be where I am now. In fact, I really didnt see myself living much longer....frequent suicidal thoughts, a few attempts....I'm just happy I didnt succeed. I hope if any of you are thinking that way, that somehow you can see that things wont always be like they are right now. I couldnt see that at the time. I'm actually at a point where I am looking forward to the future and I dont think I have EVER been at that point before.

I'm hoping I can get back to writing here alittle more often....probably not as often as I used to until school is out....but I am alive and kicking.

later folks.

Wedding Website

2007-01-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

www.jilandjeremy.com

Christmas Lights!!

2006-11-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

Wedding Stuff

2006-11-17T12:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I know I havent said very much about wedding stuff. We’ve kept it fairly private online and at school, and I’ve been pretty busy to write about it much here. We had been talking about getting married for a while. It just seems right. We set a date a couple of weeks ago. I got my ring this week. JW got down on one knee right after I had brushed my teeth (romantic, huh lol) and asked me to marry him. He was scared he’s lose the ring! He was sweet. It was kinda funny too, with the whole teeth-brushing thing. We are getting married March 10^th at my aunt and uncles house. All of my cousins, brothers, and JW’s brother and sister are going to be the wedding party. The wedding colors are light pink and black, its going to be cool. I will try to post pictures of the bridesmaid dresses and the cake and all of that good stuff soon. I am really excited.

We’ve been moving things around in the house to make room for him to move in. We put 2 new desks in my “old music room” which is now the “new office”. We moved bookcases and all of the office stuff in there and we now have an office where we both can work. The main ordeal will be closet space. I have a ton of clothes and only 3 small (very small) closets in the house. I need to throw a lot of crap away. It is fun getting everything ready.

My family is very excited, even my dad is happy about it, which is amazing. My dad is buying my wedding dress. Its really pretty (for a dress lol). I don’t own a dress. My mom is about to die for it to get here so I can try it on and all that. My aunt and uncle and my cousin are going to do the music (guitars and piano), that should be cool.

Anyway, on the bipolar front things are going smoothly. All is well, meds seem to be working alright. I think JW is going to go with me to the doc next time I go. My appointment is Dec. 12^th I think. It will be good for him to go with me, I think. He needs to know what goes on with me and why. That’s all I know.

Writing About Bipolar

2006-11-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

I was asked what effect keeping this blog has on me as a bipolar person. It has different effects on me at different times. If I am down, writing and getting all of the mess out of my brain really helps me a lot. Actually, it helps when I am climbing the walls too. Writing does have a stabilizing aspect to it, I think. It does for me anyway.

I think that bipolar people can really benefit from keeping a journal or a blog, especially if the blog is anonymous. Some people cant talk about their illness because of fear, and being able to express how you feel really helps. Being part of an online support group, which basically becomes what happens when you start writing about being bipolar, helps because you know that there are others out there like you. There are people that feel the same weird ass feelings that you feel. There are people that have tons of experience with the disease and that helps if you are newly diagnosed.

Do I feel more upbeat after I write? Sometimes. I think it totally depends on whats going on in my head. Usually I am helped by the people that visit here. The folks that comment really help me with decisions, help me cope, help me see things in a different way. That’s why I suggest blogging if youre bipolar. It takes a lot of guts for a lot of people to put themselves out there, but I think its worth it. It has been to me anyway.

Just a note on how I'm feeling Bipolar-wise: I have really felt very stable the past few months. I have up and down days of course, but nothing thats totally off the wall, as has been the case in the past. Im actually happy with where I am as far as my mood goes. Im happy with my meds. I still have crappy side effects, but I guess you have to figure out what you give and take, what makes your quality of life be the best it can be.

Tying the Knot

2006-11-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

March 10th. I'm overly excited. Planning a wedding is fun....Im sure I wont say that in a couple of months though. Everyone is invited....yes, the entire world.

Whats Going On

2006-11-01T04:43:00.000-08:00

Today is my sisters birthday. She ran away about 15 years ago. I havent seen her since then. She was my best friend. This day is always hard for me because I think about her a lot. I hope she is safe and happy somewhere. I usually try to go out to eat or do something on her birthday to remember her.

Not much is happening. We went to Jackson the other night and I got my tattoo partially colored. I still have to get the Koi colored though.

I have a couple of major papers due soon. That sucks, I am tired of papers!! We are doing some cool stuff in Modeling & Animation though, and that almost makes up for the fact that we have to write such a stupid paper for that class.

Things are still great with JW. We hang out every day. He stayed over this weekend and we had fun. I think we are going to go eat with my mom and my step-dad tonight. We usually do on Wednesday nights.

JW met my dad this weekend. It went well. Usually my dad is an ass, but he was nice. We met his new girlfriend (he just got divorced for the 900^th time). She seemed nice. I have never brought anyone home to meet my dad, so this was a big deal. We had breakfast with JW’s parents Sunday morning and that was cool. They went to a lot of trouble for breakfast. His mom cooked and it was awesome. They were very nice to me, and his mom emailed him later and said she liked me a lot. That made me feel pretty good.

I got another ticket the other day. This time for an expired tag, although I had a valid tag in my car that I had not put on yet. What an ass. I showed him my new tag and he told me to show it to the judge. I have to go to court on the 7^th. Nice, huh.

Thats about it, I guess.

The Weekend

2006-10-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

Im trying to come up for air. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy with school and hanging out with JW as much as possible. I have 2 papers due really soon that I havent even started on, and my building is supposed to be finished by Tuesday. The building is coming along though, Im just worried about the papers because they are literature review and I havent read crap.

JW had fall break, which was Wed.-Fri. (I don�t have school those days anyway), so he has been staying with me. Its been pretty cool. We went to get my tattoo worked on Monday (its itching like hell right now), went to eat with my mom Wednesday, went shopping Thursday and went to a ballgame Friday night. Today is homework day. I have to work this morning because I have absolutely no time to take off at work and I have to have some comp time to take off for class on Mondays.

Ive been sick this week. I went to the doctor Tuesday. He said its just sinus drainage. Yuck. My throat completely closed up Tuesday and I couldnt even swallow orange juice. The doc gave me some medicine and I have felt a lot better, just still a bit stuffy and gross. I had to take off of work and Im getting docked because I had no time to take off. That sucks. I hate being sick, but it seems like I get sick every month these days. It may be because I am in school and around lots of people. My stomach has been feeling alittle better than usual. I got sick Thursday morning. I threw up a couple of times, but I think it was from the sinus medicine.

Ive had a really good week hanging out with JW, its great to have him around. I want to be with him all the time. I am sure that will wear off at some point, but I am enjoying it right now. He is so sweet! Anyway, I must get to work so I can come home and write some damn papers!

Sex & Other Stuff

2006-10-16T04:47:00.000-07:00

One time I was talking to my mom about sex (weird, I know). I told her that I thought I�d never enjoy sex with a man because I cant reach the intended goal because of medicine and it just seemed like the guys didnt give a crap anyway. She told me that one day I would meet someone who cared that I couldnt reach that goal and that sex with them would be different. She said they wouldnt be in it for themselves and neither would I. She was right, and Ive met him. The meds still hinder things bigtime (anyone got any advice on that one), but its different, so different I cant explain it.

On that note, my cat has hidden my birth control. Not good. I must get samples today to make it through the month. I just got this pack on Friday. My cat hides everything. Usually, he hides stuff in his litter box, but they werent in there. There is no telling where the heck they are. What a weirdo.

I had a great weekend. JW stayed over Friday night until this morning and we had a good time just hanging out. We went to a ballgame Friday night and froze to death, worked on some homework and stuff Saturday, and ate with my family on Sunday. We also went to church last night. Tonight is tattoo night. I am getting a big ass Koi on my back, it should be cool. Its going to take 3 hours and will hurt like hell. I am excited though. I will post a picture when its done.

This Weekend

2006-10-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I am a sushi addict. We went and ate last night and I got some for lunch today. It was really good as usual. I think I could eat different kinds of sushi just about every day.

I worked on cleaning my room and bathroom yesterday so JW wont be terribly disgusted when he stays this weekend. It looks better, but Im not finished. I hope I can finish it up before I have to go to school today.

We have a meeting about our big ass paper today. I havent written crap for it. I need to get on the ball. I think before our meeting JW is going to help me take some pictures of the building I have to model and help me with the geometry some. That will be nice, I need the help. I have to haul ass and have this building going by Tuesday.

That�s about all thats going on. Tonight we are going to a ballgame, tomorrow is homework day. I have to work some tomorrow so that I have time to take off for class Monday. We are also going to paint some tomorrow. That will be fun. Sunday is church and grandparents day. It should be a good weekend.

I have pictures of me and JW on my myspace page if you wanna take a look, its www.myspace.com/sunraven0

Hump Day

2006-10-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

I�ve been so dang busy that I havent stopped to write here in a while. I just havent had 2 seconds to breathe. School is killing me. I had a bit of a breakdown there the other day. It was just too overwhelming. I am alittle better, but Im still stressed about all of the work I have to get done.

JW helps me a lot with school work and just being around him helps me to relax and deal with all the stress. Ive never been so happy in a relationship. I think we were totally made for each other. We�ve hung out every day since the first night we went out. I cant stand not to be with him. It really amazes me. He�s so sweet. He�s coming to stay this weekend and we are just going to hang out and try to chill. I need to have my school work done before then. Yuck.

So far I�m juggling everything alright. Its just kind of crazy. I forgot my meds for a couple of days this week and I started to get weird, hence the slight breakdown at school. Im back on track though, so everything is better.

Everything is Great

2006-10-05T05:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I must say that its hard to concentrate on anything in the whole world other than JW. I am totally head over heals and its scary as all hell, but its also awesome. After our meeting yesterday, we hung out at his place, just laid around and talked and then we went out to a Mexican restaurant. I got alittle tipsy and talked a whole heck of a lot. I do that on occasion, but I wasn�t being a dumbass or anything, I just get alittle animated after a margarita and a beer these days. We had fun, went back to the apt. and fell asleep. I can fall asleep with him in about 5 minutes, which is weird because I usually have a hard time falling asleep. I�ve heard of people having crazy whirlwind romances, but I never thought it would happen to me. Ive never felt so comfortable and completely myself with anyone else ever. This is scaring the crap out of me, but its the coolest scary feeling Ive ever had. Tonight we are going to go have dinner wit h my mom, step-dad, and step-brother. I thought I would take him up there to do that before I push Sunday lunch on him with my entire family being there. He is nervous. I will be nervous when I meet his parents too though, so I know how he feels. It will be no big deal. My parents will love him because I do. It will be fun. My parents are fairly easy going most of the time and they make conversation easy, so hopefully he will be ok after being there a few minutes. Anyway, all is great.

School? Oh yeah, I go to school. Hahaha Its going I guess, its so on the backburner right now and it really doesn�t need to be. We skipped class Tuesday night and hung out. My meeting went well though, so far I am juggling everything pretty well.

I went to see my NP the other day. No changes, she thinks I am doing well. I think so too. Thank God for medication!!

Dating

2006-10-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, details, details, I know�.

I�ll call him �JW�. He is the sweetest guy ever. We hung out Sat. night and went out to eat. We had a drink or 2 and went to his apartment with some beer. It was cool, we hung out, he showed me his tattoo portfolio and a bunch of 3D stuff he�s been working on. It was really cool. Yesterday we went to McAlisters after school and ate and then we went to his apartment and did homework, which sucked. But � it was great to have someone that could help me with some stuff. We watched tv and hung out and talked A LOT. It was a very good night. Its so weird, we connect so well. We have so much in common, and he�s just the nicest guy in the world. FINALLY I meet a guy that isnt an ass (sorry guys, Im not saying youre all asses, Im just saying Ive had lots of experiences with asses). Anyway, everything is really good. I like hanging out with him a lot. He�s a really cool person.

Exciting News

2006-09-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

I�m still struggling a bit. I went to bed quite early last night and I feel alittle better this morning. I�m just down. Everything is getting to me.

I have exciting news � I have a date tonight! Woohooo AND its with the cute tattoo guy at school! I am very excited. We are just going out for a drink, I think. He�s going to call me this afternoon when I get off of work and we�re going to make definite plans. Yay. That made me feel better. If nothing else, it�s a new friend and I am always in need of a new friend. He asked me out yesterday. I was stoked, but tried to act like it wasnt that big of a deal of course. I will let you all know how it goes. I like him, he is very smart and nice and cute!

Nothing else is new, just the same old routine. I was supposed to have a book read by yesterday and I still havent read it all. Its pretty interesting, I just havent had the energy or motivation to do it.

My house is still wrecked. Its bad when the outside of my house looks better than the inside. Usually my grass is like a jungle and it looks like either no one or either a pirate lives at my house. My grass was mowed yesterday and it looks nice. The inside, however, is a different story. My cat is the messiest cat in the world. He knocks stuff over and finds stuff to get into and tear up. Sooo, he hasnt helped much. I told him I was going to trade him for a nice cat, but he didnt care.

Thats it for me right now. I�ll give you an update tonight or in the morning.

Oh No

2006-09-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

I can feel myself heading downward, which really sucks because I really cant afford a depressive episode right now. Im too busy (aren�t we all, doesn�t it suck how this disease totally disrupts our lives). I was supposed to have a relaxing evening yesterday. I needed to read, but I didnt have any meetings or anything like that. Well, it ended up just being a cryfest for no apparent reason. I turned the lights out in the house before 8:00 and just laid on my couch and cried. It sucked. I dont feel much better this morning. Im depressed about nothing. I guess I will snap out of it sooner or later, I just hope its sooner. I need to be able to function, damn it.

School Stuff

2006-09-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn�t have to stay in class forever last night. The instructor gave us our class work for homework and let us go home. After class, I took my graduate committee form to be signed by my instructor. He told me that he cant �officially� be on my committee because he isn�t finished with his Ph.D. He can come to my meeting, but cant be an �official� member of the committee.

Ok, that sucks because it means that I have to find another faculty member that can meet with us on Monday at 1:00. This will be a difficult task. I have a meeting with one faculty member today, and I am hoping she will be able to be on my committee. Pray. Hard. I�ll be screwed if she cant do it.

I have 3 meetings today and am supposed to take some pictures of the stadium. I get tired just thinking about it. Once I get through today though, I should be able to chill after work tomorrow. I hope.

I have to �refine� my problem statement (whatever the hell that means), get an agenda together, find a couple more sources to back up my problem, and do a presentation for this meeting Monday. All that while I am trying to write sections of my 50 page team paper, and modeling a football stadium. What a pain in the ass. Why did I sign up for this???? Lets hope this degree means much wealth and prosperity. Yeah, right. It means more loans to pay back, thats all.

More Normal Stuff

2006-09-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I am completely legal as far as vehicular things go. Yay. I got my license renewed, a safety sticker, a tag, and I paid 6 months of insurance. I am on the ball. I actually feel better after doing all that. It�s a weight off of me. Its stuff Ive needed to do, but haven�t.

I got my graduate committee meeting set up for next Monday. Its kind of a nerve racking thing, Ive got to get a plan of study figured out and all kinds of mess organized before the meeting. I have to get my problem statement for my thesis kind of polished up also. Fun.

I have class tonight. I will be there forever because I havent had a chance this week to do any of my class work. Ugh. Usually I get out of there early because Ive done most of my stuff, but I�ll be there all night tonight, most likely.

I seem to be hanging in there as far as moods go. I think the structure is good for me. As long as I get plenty of sleep I do ok. Ive been going to bed pretty early and Im not as tired during the day. I require a lot of sleep though.

Im still alittle nauseated, which sucks, but its not as bad as it was. Im not totally, totally overwhelmed with school stuff right now. Ive kind of come up with a system to get things done without stressing too much. I just wish I had done the work that is due tonight for class so I wouldnt have to hang out there so long tonight. Oh well, at least I have class time to get it done.

Weekend

2006-09-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

I had a good weekend. I went out with my brother and his fiance Saturday. I bought some clothes and a guitar. I know, I know, I am a guitar freak, but it was such a good deal! Ive wanted a Taylor guitar forever and they had a used Big Baby for $250. Couldnt resist. However, since its used they have a 20 day police hold to make sure its not stolen. Sooo, I don�t get to pick it up until the 9^th. That sucks.

I have class this morning. I have another presentation that I hope we dont have to do. Its really a boring class. After class I am planning to take care of a lot of car stuff. Get a tag, get my license renewed, get an inspection sticker, check about a radiator, etc. Fun stuff.

Its Friday!

2006-09-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Praise Jesus, I found the last source I needed for my thesis problem statement this morning. Hey, I�m doing pretty good, I don�t have to turn it all in until Sunday. I need to work on my presentation now, but that�s the easy part. The hard part was reading about 9 zillion papers until I read something that explicitly stated that my problem was a problem. What a pain. Anyway, I am happy now. All I do is research and sleep. I need to take a day off and drink a margarita.

I feel alittle better this morning. My belly ache is better. (Probably because I found my source, well, that plus a gallon of pepto). Everyone should buy stock in Pepto because I keep them in business.

I went to my moms last night. I hung out there for a while and on the way home I went through a roadblock. I got a frickin ticket for an expired inspection sticker. Damn it. It could have been a lot worse though. I couldnt find my license (which expired on my birthday anyway), my tag just expired, etc. Basically, its just my luck to run through a road block at 8:00 at night, but I guess I did get lucky that he didnt write me a ticket for everything else in America.

I have a meeting today. I dont think we will get much done though because we just met on Wednesday and none of us has had much time to do just a ton of reading and writing since then. We are trying to get the chapters to our paper figured out. We got our architect survey done the other day, so I guess its time to start calling people. Yuck. I hate to be a pain in the ass to busy people.

Thats really all that is going on. I think I might go to the Bass Pro shop tonight and eat if I can get someone to go with me. I think I will eat some alligator. Yum.

My Tummy Hurts :(

2006-09-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

Well, my stomach is killing me again. I feel really bad this morning. If I actually had the time to take off, I wouldnt go to work. I would stay home and have a puke fest. Nice visual, huh.

My brain doesnt feel so great this morning either. Its a little wishy washy if that makes sense. I forgot my meds yesterday. Ive been taking them after lunch so that my stomach doesnt hurt, but a lot of good thats doing. Its probably just stress.

I think I may go to my moms tonight. I am not sure yet. I actually don�t have a meeting or class, which is a major event in my life these days. I have a meeting tomorrow, but that is it until Monday.

I have to turn in a project Monday and I am supposed to do a presentation (if he makes us do it, which he might this time). I am going crazy trying to come up with sources to support my problem statement for my thesis and its driving me insane. I have about 200 journal articles (seriously) and none of them come right out and say that my �problem� is a problem. Ugh. Damn it. Basically, I am reading 9 million things and am unable to use any of it for my project. I will be able to use a lot of them for info for my thesis, but nothing to support my stupid problem statement. I know no one really cares about this, but its pissing me off.

Anyway, nothing going on other than work, school, read, work, school, read, you get the idea. My moods seem fairly stable, other than alittle weirdness this morning and some paranoia. I think its because I missed my dosage yesterday. You wouldnt think 1 dosage would be that big of a deal. Oh well.

Slow Moving

2006-09-18T04:53:00.000-07:00

Im a bit slow this morning. Im awake, but thats about it. Ive been dragging all weekend. I dont know what the deal is. Its nothing new though, just an increase in how Ive been feeling for the past couple of weeks. Maybe all this schedule changing stuff has just really gotten to me.

Ive got to do my stadium model TODAY. Me and the girl that�s helping me are going to the physical plant after class this afternoon to see if we can get some dimensions to the monstrous thing. I hope so, its due tomorrow night and we havent done the first thing. Not good.

I need to start actually writing on my paper. Its just not happening. I read and read and nothing sparks anything major in my brain that I need to write down. My mom got me a book on VR, so I am going to start reading it today to see if it helps.

I got a new laptop. I got a Toshiba Qoismio. I don�t know a ton about Toshiba, but thats a good thing. That means a lot of them arent tearing up for me to fix them. I looked at about 5 zillion laptops and I figured that this one would be the best for me video-wise. I have to have a killer video card to do the graphic stuff in 3D and VR. Anyway, its really cool and now I can have it to keep up in my meetings. I have to add everything under the sun that we have done thus far to it, but that�s ok. Now I have to get my old one fixed and sell it.

Thats about it from here. I have a presentation this morning, if he actually makes us do it this time. For some reason, I doubt he will because there are about 20 of us and they are supposed to be 4-6 minutes long and we are only in there an hour. He has to give us our next assignment and all of that good stuff. But � who knows? I may have to get up there and rattle off at the mouth for a while. At least this time I have a clue what I am talking about.

Catching Up

2006-09-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

My moods seem to be pretty stable these days. Thank God for meds. I�m feeling pretty good, other than the fact that my house is a mess and that I am overwhelmed by school. I am keeping on trucking though, so far. I just havent had time to clean and that drives me completely insane and truly effects my moods.

I have to make a mass 3D model of the football stadium at school by Tuesday. This is not good, seeing as how I have no dimensions yet and it is Saturday morning. I have no idea how Im going to pull it off.

Other than that, not much is going on. I am working on writing the 9 zillion page paper I have to do and reading my ass off. I am a reader, but Im not used to being made to read something thats boring as hell. Thankfully, Im being able to do a lot of the research that I want to do, so its more interesting than some of the BS that we have had to read.

I am working today to have some time to take off to go to class. Thats my life. Work, class, work, class, work, class. I am having to meet with my groups at school every day of the week and that is killing me. I have been falling asleep really early though. As soon as I get home from a meeting, if I dont have to read, I sack out. Sometimes that means that by 7:00 I am a goner. I fell asleep at 7 last night and woke up at 7:30 this morning. That means it was another night asleep with all the lights on and my shoes on. I didnt care though, I was tired.

More reading today, that is my plan. Maybe I will have time to clean alittle this evening.

Feeling Pretty Ok

2006-09-12T05:35:00.000-07:00

Well, if you prayed that I wouldnt have to do my presentation at school, it worked out. We didnt have to present; I think he just wanted us to stress about it. I was glad, except for the fact that we had the most boring lecture in the world instead. I am supposed to have an individual presentation Monday. That will suck. Maybe I will get lucky again and not have to do it. Yeah, right.

Life is going pretty well at the moment. I feel pretty stable. I am keeping up at school and my moods havent been too weird, which is amazing. I have been very tired, but whats new. I went to see my grandparents and my mom last night and I totally crashed around 9:30 when I got home. I slept well. I still do not feel rested. I am not sure what my sleep deal is.

I seem to be doing fine since I decreased my dosage of Lamictal and Cymbalta. Nothing weird has happened anyway. I tell you what though, I can NOT forget my Abilify or I am completely nuts. You would think that after 3 years or so of taking meds, I wouldn�t forget them, but I still have issues with that. When I forget the Abilify, I really know how much is does for me. It really has helped me a lot and keeps me at least on this planet. I have been doing some weird calculations in my head, but I think thats from school. Maybe it will settle down as soon as the Abilify is back in my system. Its a real bitch to be figuring out dimensions of everything in a room.

Its rainy and yucky here this morning. That usually depresses me pretty bad. Maybe it wont last too long. I swear my moods are definitely affected by the weather and the time of year. I usually don�t do well in the fall. I hope this year is different since I seem to finally be on a medicine cocktail that�s working.

Thats it from me. I have class tonight, but Ive done a lot of my in-class assignments, so I wont have to be there forever (hopefully).

I think I have a case of the Mondays already.

2006-09-11T04:49:00.000-07:00

It seems as if its been a while since I have checked in here. Its probably only been a couple of days, but it always feels weird when I don�t write here often. I�ve been kinda sick. I swear my stomach hasnt been right for about 2 months. I doubt its related to meds now. Im not sure what the deal is. I feel ok so far this morning, but that doesnt mean anything. It sort of comes and goes all of a sudden. I dont have the best diet in the world, so Im sure that has something to do with it. I havent eaten anything weird or funky or anything like that. I just wish I would feel better for an extended period of time. I felt alittle better this weekend and got some stuff done, but Im very lethargic on top of the stomach thing, so I have been sleeping a lot. I never feel rested, no matter how much I sleep.

I have a presentation this morning at school. Say prayers for me, I hate this kind of crap. Thank God for meds though. I think if I had to do a presentation a few years ago without some type of medicine, I wouldve passed out. Im definitely not excited about it, but Im not stressing too much either, which is a good thing.

Nothing else is going on other than doing a ton of research for my school stuff, which is no fun. I usually like this kind of stuff, but Im just not into it. Im beginning to doubt the school thing. I just dont know if I can juggle it all with work and with my moods fluctuating. I can be very productive at times and just worthless others. I think thats probably fairly normal though, its just screwed when I do something stupid like forget my meds like I did yesterday. I feel alittle hypomanic. I didn�t sleep well, lots of weird wild dreams that seem so real. Im going to try to tough it out alittle longer and see how things go. I really need to get better at remembering my meds EVERY DAY. I get so screwed up when I forget them. I knew I had missed my Abilify last night when I started seeing �lights�. I know that makes no sense, but its kinda like the lights you see before a migraine. Anyway, I remembered them this morning , first thing.

Kill Me Now

2006-09-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so school is making me want to hang myself with my laptop cord. I have to do a 50 page paper on 3D modeling & the Architectural Industry for my modeling class. I have to survey architects (anybody know an architect I could survey??), and I have to do a 30 minute presentation on it to the construction school faculty. Kill me now. The cute guy in my class gets to help me though, so theres always that for something positive about the situation. This isnt even for my thesis class, which is the reading & writing class of the world. I hope I can make it through this, good Lord. I definitely couldn�t be full-time. 2 classes are kicking my ass bigtime. I have the rest of the semester to write the paper, so that�s not too bad, I can get it done, its just a pain in the butt.

I saw my NP yesterday. Nothing new to report. I had decreased the dosage of a couple of my meds, and I don�t think she was too happy about that. She asked me why I changed them. To be honest, I dont know really. I think I just felt like I didnt need that much. I have this weird phobia of being over medicated and dumb. I think the less meds the better. Ive been feeling fine other than totally being overwhelmed by school, and I think that�s normal. If I do a nose dive, Ill go back to the normal dosage and stay there permanently. I think I just need to know that I really need that much. If I can function where I am at I will be a happy camper. So far, so good.

I slept good last night. I passed out completely at about 10:30. I think I only woke up once about 3:30 and had to pee and smoke. Thats good for me, one wake up. School really helps with sleep. I think I sleep too much right now though. I don�t know why I am so tired, but I guess its just getting into a new routine.

Thats about all my news which isnt much. I think I have a meeting today with the rest of the grad students in my modeling class and our teacher to go over this paper stuff. I hope it goes well. Im stressing. I dont know any architects, except maybe one, and I don� know if he'd do a survey because he is a bit full of himself. Oh well. Time to hit the phone book I guess.

Long Weekend

2006-09-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I kind of took a little break from writing over the weekend. It was good to have three days off, I slept a lot and I am still tired this morning, although I woke up really early.

I had a good weekend. I went out with my mom, step-dad, brother, and his fianc�. We went to the Bass Pro Shop, which sounds really rednecky, but its very cool. My mom and step-dad are building a lake at their house so we looked at boats and stuff. Theres a really nice restaurant inside the store. Its cool because they have a huge saltwater aquarium in it that takes up the whole wall behind the bar. I ate raw tuna with wasabi sauce, it was awesome.

I did absolutely nothing that I can remember Sunday. I slept late because I got home late from Bass Pro and I went out to see how the lake is coming along. It trips me out how fast the bulldozer man can get rid of trees.

Monday was another do nothing day. I cleaned some around the house (not nearly enough), slept, and went to check on the lake. The guy is pretty much finished getting rid of the trees, now its time to dig.

I see my NP this morning. I really dont have much to tell her. I feel pretty good most of the time, so I guess the meds are doing their job.

I have school tonight. Its my modeling class, so it will be pretty fun.

That�s about all my news. Not much, huh.

My Kicked Ass

2006-09-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

To put it bluntly, this week has kicked my ass. Its only the first week of school! I am sooooo tired! This has been the longest week I can remember. I know its because my schedule has been totally demolished. My days are filled, which isnt a bad thing. I do much better mood-wise when I am busy as hell, so I shouldnt complain.

I met with my team last night to do our presentation. We got finished, but it took from 6:30 until 10:00. I got home late, but I fell asleep easily. Maybe this school thing will help with the insomnia. It seems that way so far. I wasn�t the only one that thought the papers we had to read were ridiculous and boring and have nothing to do with our thesis. We all bitched about that for half the night. I like my team members, they all seem very cool.

I am trying to take my meds at lunch today to see if that helps my stomach. So far this morning Im not hurting. I did have a few cigs, some BBQ fritos, and a coke for breakfast, so it definitely should be. My NP suggested I take the Cymbalta at a different time, so I shall try it out and see how it works. I just hope I can remember to take them at a different time. You all know how I am when my schedule is altered.

If I can just make it through the day at work I will be able to rest. Thank the Lord, we have a 3 day weekend and no school Monday.

Stuff

2006-08-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

Someone asked how I pull off the going to school thing. To be honest, the jury is still out on that one, I�ve only been in school a week. It seems like school kind of grounds me alittle though. When I was in school for my undergrad degree, I only had about 2 or 3 psycho semesters, and most of them I was drinking a lot or smoking a lot of weed. I wasn�t on meds either. So, it will be interesting to see how it goes this time. This is the first time Ive been in school since Ive been on medication, so who knows what will happen. Usually, school gives me something to focus on other than myself. I also feel like I cant quit because Im paying a crapload for this mess. Anyway, I cant really answer the question because I am not sure yet. It will be hard to handle school & work, and I am very glad that I am not in school full time. I definitely wouldn�t make it. Taking 2 classes seems like its going to be hard enough. I like having things to do though and I have met a couple of people that are graduate students too. The good thing about grad school is that you don�t have to take all those BS classes that are required for your undergrad. So basically, I get to take classes that I get some sort of enjoyment from (minus the thesis class, which could be cool if I actually got to work on my thesis).

Anyway, I have to come up with a topic for a paper in my modeling & animation class. I think I am going to do it on e-commerce in virtual reality. The only thing is, I�m supposed to survey some people in industry to see what they think about certain things, but I don�t know many people that do e-commerce in VR, so that will be the difficult part. I�m going to try to look online and see if I can find some people somewhere in this universe to email or something.

I have a meeting with my team tonight to try to get our presentation done. It will be interesting because I don�t feel like we really prepared ourselves. I think we should at least have figured out which paper we are going to do the presentation on. It will probably be a long night.

This has been a weird week since my normal routine has been altered. I haven�t been getting in my daily naps. I slept good last night. I fell asleep on the couch with all the lights on, my shoes on and everything at about 8:00 and I woke up at 2:30.

On a bipolar note, I did get some Lamictal samples to try to make it until I can find my stupid prescription card. I may have to just call and get a new one. I haven�t been able to clean my car yet, and I want to do that first to make sure that its not in there.

Oh yeah, someone is coming to cut my grass today!!! woooohoooo

Cymbalta and School

2006-08-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

As soon as I take my meds in the morning, my stomach starts to hurt. I think it�s the Cymbalta. That seems to be a common side effect. I hate it. I cant eat anything because I am afraid I will throw up. Even my morning Mountain Dew bothers me. Does anyone else have stomach issues with Cymbalta? Ive heard of a lot of people that aren�t able to take it because they puke 24/7, but I seemed to be handling it quite well until the last month or so. Ive even cut down my dosage. I don�t know what the deal is.

School was interesting last night. Things have changed a lot in the 5 years that Ive been out of school. They use different software that I�ve never used. The class I went to last night was Modeling and Animation. The software seems pretty easy to use. Ive used a lot of different 3d applications, so Im not worried about learning it. I just was hoping that we would use 3D Max because I am good at it and theres a lot more that I could learn about it. We are using the free Google 3D software, Sketchup. Its pretty simple. I guess it will be cool to learn something I haven�t used. I think I will be able to apply it to what I want to do. I like making buildings in 3D and that�s what the software does and its able to be imported into the game engine I use for 3D, so that�s cool. The graduate part of the class should be more interesting than the crap Ive had to read for my thesis class (which sucks). Our project will be building our school cam pus in 3D and putting it on Google Earth, so that will be cool. We have to write a huge ass paper too, but I think I�ll be able to use some of it in my thesis. It was a long night (6:30-9:15), but I did learn stuff.

Upon reading my thesis class assignment again, I realized that we are supposed to read two articles instead of one. The one he gave us was 9 pages long. The other one is 25 pages long, and they are equally boring. Who wants to read about methodology of the construction industry. Not me. It has nothing to do with what my thesis will be about. I am not sure why in the world we have to read it, but whatever. I have a meeting with my group tomorrow night to work on our powerpoint presentation. We have to choose one of the articles to do our presentation on. So far I do not like my thesis class if you haven�t gotten that impression. I�m ready to write about what I am interested in, which is virtual reality. I don�t know if he�s trying to get us used to reading 9 million articles or what, but I want to research my own research interests. Guess I don�t get to choose at the moment.

School Daze

2006-08-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am over my anger a bit. It didnt last all day, but it was kicking my ass last night. I just took a vistaril and I am waiting for it to kick in. It really doesnt do much for me obviously since I havent slept in a while. I am tired tonight though, so maybe I'll sleep.

I am out of Lamictal. I was going to go pick it up today and I cant find my stupid prescription thingy card. So...no meds. I'm going to clean out my car tomorrow. I hope its in there under god knows what. I think I will call and get some samples until I find it. I lose everything. Most of the everything I lose is probably in my car.

I tried to mow my grass today. Now it just has a mowhawk. My little mower just couldnt handle it. Must get someone with a big mower to do it. It looks pathetic.

Class wasnt too bad. My teacher hardly speaks English and he wasnt there so he taped his lecture and they played it over the speaker things...I couldnt understand a damn word. We have to do a presentation on some horrible 9 page article he is making us read. Its bad. I have no clue what any of it means. I hope my team members are smart because I feel like a dumbass. One of my team guys is really cute. I have my other class tomorrow night. I shall update you all on that event later.

Since you cant hear music on my blog here's some White Stripes lyrics for you all:

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, book and pens I
can tell that we are gonna be friends
I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Walk with me, Suzy Lee
Through the park, by the tree
We will rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we've found
Then safely walk to school Without a sound
Then safely walk to school Without a sound

Here we are, no one else
We walked to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn
We clean up and now it's time to learn

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
Nouns, and books, and show and tell
At playtime we will throw the ball
Back to class, through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall

We don't notice any time pass
We don't notice anything
We sit side by side in every class
Teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
When silly thoughts go through my head
About the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
That you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends

Raving Lunatic

2006-08-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

I am just down right angry at the world for no apparent reason. I have no reason at all to be mad, no one to blame, just my own personal weirdness. I couldn�t even sleep last night I was so mad. It was like I was just brewing over with anger and my mind wouldn�t stop. I get so aggravated with people. People leave you, hurt you, hate you, fail you, betray you�thankfully I have a God that doesn�t do any of those things. I prayed and prayed last night to have this anger lifted from me. My anger made me doubt God, I was mad at even Him - for nothing I might add, I just don�t know what my deal is. I prayed that He�d help me hand it all over to Him, that he�d forgive me for my doubts, and then I just really couldn�t say anything else to Him. He knows what goes on in my head though, I thought I would just shut up and let Him work on me. I shouldn�t depend on people, I should depend on Him. Man, its hard though because people are visible and God isn�t. I know we aren�t supposed to be comfortable in this world because we aren�t of this world�we are aliens, belonging in heaven, but I am ready to fast forward to heaven. This living stuff is making me crazy. I am feeling alittle better this morning even though I am only operating on about 2 and a half hours of sleep. Maybe the sleep thing will settle once I get in school for a couple of weeks. I don�t feel like I am nervous or anything, but maybe it has something to do with it? I don�t know.

Do any of you get angry for no reason? I mean, this would make sense if someone really pissed me off, but life has been going along like normal. I�m not even irritable, I�m just freaking pissed off. I�m sure there is some deeply rooted psychological reason that can only be explained by Freud, but that�s doing me no good. I am having some paranoia too. Not really bad. I don�t think people are going to try to invade my house or anything, I�m just having weird social phobia or something. People are making me nervous. Its weird. Its not good that people are making me nervous and I have to go to school this afternoon where there are 9 zillion people in a hurry to get to their classes. I�m sure I will make it though. I need like a double shot of Abilify I think.

What I know About My Meds

2006-08-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

In answer to a question posted in the comments, I wanted to talk a bit about the meds I take. First of all, I wanna say that Im not a doctor, dont take what I say as the gospel, and all meds work differently on different people.

I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. It can cause a major rash, swollen glands, and lots of other crap if you have a reaction to it. I never have, luckily, and it works well for me. I have been on Depakote before. It was a totally different coctail though and it didnt work for me. I like Lamictal alot. Its an anti-convulsant. In the same class as Topamax and things like that. I am taking 100mg although I am prescribed 200.

Abilify is in a different class of drugs, its an anti-psychotic, it helps with seeing things and hearing things and all of that kind of stuff. It works GREAT for me, I never hear anything anymore and my paranoia has diminished drastically. Personally, I dont know anyone thats had a weird reaction to it, but thats not saying it isnt possible. I take 15 mg in the morning. It worked quickly for me. I think that if its going to do something weird to you, you would know it pretty fast. I started out on a baby dose, just 5 mg. I am not sure what most people start at. Abilify is in the same class as things like zyprexa and haldol. Zyprexa worked wonders for me, but I kept gaining weight, so I switched. If anyone has had weird side effects with Abilify, let me know.

I take Cymbalta for an anti-depressant. I take 60 mg, although I am prescribed 90. Its the first anti-depressant thats done much for me. I am waaaaay on the depressive side of bipolar disorder most of the time and I think Cymbalta keeps me alive. I have been on Wellbutrin (made me mean), Celexa (made me sad), Effexor (made me manic), Paxil (made me sad), and a variety of others that I cant even remember. Cymbalta has really helped me alot.

Thats really all I know. Make sure you read the stuff that comes with your meds and talk to your doctor about stuff that goes on. www.crazymeds.org is a good place to look up side effects, they dont hold much back there.

Bipolar & Useless

2006-08-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

Man, Im having a hard time remembering my meds. I missed them yesterday, got some coffee last night and didnt sleep a wink. I actually slept from about 3 a.m. until 5:30. Not my idea of a very restful night. I played on myspace all night. I am addicted. Go to www.myspace.com/sunraven0 if you want to be my friend :) Just send me a message so I will know you came from here. I like going on the bipolar groups. I learn a lot about meds and other stuff there. Its pretty cool. A lot of them have the same info on them though and that drives me crazy.

I think my mood is shifting up a little bit. Its kind of scary though, especially since I didn�t sleep last night. Why is it like that? One way or the other? Sleep all the time or sleep none at all. Ive been told that there is no happy medium with our moods, even with meds. Thats kind of depressing. I guess even normies don�t have a happy medium most of the time, but it sure would be nice to just have a normal sleeping pattern, normal appetite, not cry, not want to jump off of a building, not think people are going to invade your house, not hear stuff (although that has gotten MUCH better since taking Abilify, it works awesome for me). Is that asking too much really? Even though my meds kind of have me in a better place moodwise than no meds at all, things still aren�t right. Is that just the life of a bipolar person?

I have done absolutely nothing all week. I swear I am thoroughly useless. I am planning on cleaning my house this afternoon and mowing my yard in the morning if it doesnt rain. I am so tired of rainy days. Talk about doing nothing, if it rains I cant function for some reason. I think me and a friend are going to ride our bikes to see Talladega Nights Saturday afternoon after my yard mowing frenzy. I need a dang tractor to get to my house. My yard guy has deserted me. :( That seriously disturbs me, and hell, it rains every freakin day anyway, so when am I supposed to mow the jungle?? I wont mow wet grass�just not gonna happen with my new lawnmower. Ok, I just wrote an entire paragraph about the grass at my house. How sad that I have nothing better to talk about.

Casting Crowns - Prodigal

2006-08-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I thought about this song after I wrote the last post:

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again, will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend, and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun, drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown, of living with my shame
Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince, the next day your a slave

The Prodigal Jil

2006-08-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of the prodigal son in Luke. This dude went out and went nuts, wasting his inheritance on hookers and stuff and ended up working in a pigpen starving to death. He decided to go back home to his father and the dad received him with open arms and he kissed him and put his best robe, sandals, and a ring on him. It�s a pretty cool story because a lot of parents aren�t like that.

I think the story really shows what God the Father is really like. No matter how far we�ve fallen or gone nuts, Gods arms are always open to receive us, reaching out to us with love. The father in the story says something like �my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.� I think God is like that. He rejoices when we come back to Him and he doesn�t ask about the things we�ve done. He already knows and He loves us anyway.

Lord knows I�ve run about as far away from God as humanly possible. The deal is, we cant run far because He�s with us if we are His children, no matter how far off the beaten path we trod. I think its cool that even though I have been through a ton of crap and done a lot of wrong things, God couldn�t wait for me to come back to Him. That�s cool because I�m so unworthy.

Some Dribble

2006-08-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I havent been in much of a writing mood lately. I forgot my meds Saturday and Sunday like a dumbass and Ive been feeling quite strange ever since. I am sure I will get better now that I am back on the medicine track. Ive had a continuous headache since the weekend. I think it may be from missing meds. I get off of my schedule on the weekends and have a hard time remembering medicine. Hopefully all will be well soon. I don�t know how my mood is at the moment, I�m kind of wired, but tired at the same time. I hope I don�t fall into a mixed state. That�s the worst.

School starts for me Monday. I am kind of excited about it, which is strange. It will be something new, and I need something to do anyway. I have some ideas for my thesis, so I don�t feel like I am starting school with no clue whatsoever about what I am going to do. My newest career idea is to get my Ph.D. and teach. That�s my plan at the moment, but you never know. My plans change like the weather. I�m also keeping myself open to some architectural jobs. I like doing visualization, so that would be cool. I just think I might get tired of it. If I have to do the same stuff over and over again, I get pretty bored. We�ll see what happens. Ive gotta get through the master�s program first. It may drive me crazier than I already am.

I have kind of gotten over the thing with my friend. I have to, I guess. You guys are right, some people are just bastards. I just don�t understand it, ya know, and I hate that. I hate not knowing exactly what I did to piss someone off, especially since I don�t particularly enjoy pissing people off in the first place (or at least most people).

Anyway, not much else is going on. I have to get my car fixed sometime this week before school starts. I have a small hole in my radiator and that sucks bigtime. It�s time for a new vehicle. I think I am going to get a RAV 4. I found one I like, but I am trying to wait until December or January when the 2006 models get cheaper. I hope my car makes it that long, I think its on its last leg.

"Friends"

2006-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to vent before I can sleep, so here I go. I don’t know WHAT THE HELL the deal is, but some how, some way, I make everyone I know hate my guts.

For example – tonight I went to my moms and had dinner and it was great. On the way home I thought I would go by and see a friend of mine that was pretty much my mother all through high school. We’ve lost touch some because she decided to hate me when I was with Linda, but I thought we were over that since Im not with a female at the moment. Anyway, I called and she answered and I said “This is your long lost surrogate child.” …she hung up on me. I went by there and she wouldn’t come to the door. It seems I am really good at getting people to hang up in my face. That’s like saying F*&K You to someone…. I swear I don’t need enemies with the friends I have…ummm, oh yeah, I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!....or none within a 500 mile radius anyway.

I don’t understand this though. What is it about me? Everyone I love goes nuts and leaves me or hates me. I think I am a pretty damn nice person. I like doing things for people, I am a good friend, I think. I must be missing something. Anyone give me some clues??

So now, her goal is reached and I feel like shit. I swear, I really go out of my way to be nice to people and when I really care about someone I think they care about me too…I guess that’s bullshit. People really suck. I guess I expect too much from people, but you know, hell, I don’t expect a lot. All I wanted to do tonight was see pics of her new grandson and catch her up to speed on what Im doing. Oh well. I have this problem with giving up on people, I shouldve given up on her a long time ago when she got all pissed about the lesbian thing. People are SO conditional. She could hack someone to pieces and I’d still love her.

I feel like crap. My NP always says I have low self esteem, well no fucking wonder.

Alittle Better

2006-08-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I feel alittle bit better this morning. I slept really well last night. I took a Vistaril at 9:00 and hit the sack. I don�t think my cat even woke me up once, which is amazing. I am still a little sluggish and down right irritable, but so far I haven�t actually considered hacking my head off with a Kaiser blade�but it is early yet.

Tonight is the Pagan potluck thing, I am not sure if I am going yet, gas prices are killing me. Anyway, should be interesting if I make it there. I would really like to go look at the illustrator guy�s art.

I have orientation for school tomorrow. I have no idea what in the heck they are going to orient us on, but whatever, the thing said �new graduate students are expected to attend.� So�there I will be. I�m ready for the show to get on the road. I have got to start thinking about my thesis. I haven�t a clue what in the world it�s going to be about. Hopefully, my grad committee will have some input; I just hope it doesn�t totally blow my mind.

I would rate myself a 2.24 on the 10 scale today�that�s better than being in the negative like I have been the past couple of days. That�s an improvement, which is kind of sad�but hey, I�ll take it.

I started feeling alittle better yesterday�a friend called to check on me and it made me feel good. Sometimes little things like that help a lot, especially when you are like me and have no interaction with any humans other than at work and occationally with strangers at Javawerks. I got a good nap too & I slept well, so maybe things will start picking up. I hope the mood keeps improving a bit, I really like to be at least a 5 on the 10 scale.

I subscribed to BP magazine at www.bphope.com I keep checking my mail for it every day because I am really excited about it. Maybe it will come today. I am excited that there is a magazine dedicated to folks like us BP-ers. Anyway, that�s my only news for the day.

Under Attack

2006-08-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

I swear I feel like demons are stabbing me in the brain or something. A friend pointed out that I could be under attack by demons because I had been doing so well getting back on track. I feel under attack. I feel really drained. I slept allll day after work yesterday and all night. I thought I would feel better this morning, but nooooo, I still feel really crappy. I�m having a lot more suicidal ideation than normal. I have it all the time, but its pretty intense right now. My whole body still hurts like it did when I was really sick. I get so tired of feeling like this. How can you get rid of demons? I know yall probably think I am crazy for thinking this. I don�t think I am possessed or anything. I just feel like I am being slowly tortured. Maybe I am being tested�or maybe I am just frickin bipolar and am feeling shitty.

Weapons of Past Destruction

2006-08-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap this morning. I slept about 3 hours. I will be taking the Vistaril early tonight and maybe I can get some rest. I am just royally messed up right now for some reason.

I don�t know why, but some past stuff is bothering me pretty bad. I think its because Ive been seeing my dad a good bit lately. That�s always enough to drag up some lovely memories. Its really hurting my brain right now. I like to say none of that junk bothers me, but on occasion it crashes down on me and suffocates me. Its really hard to function with that on top of a depressive episode.

Can you ever get past horrible things in your life that have happened to you? I forgive. I cant forget�and it all chooses the most inopportune times to attack me. I was doing just fine and them BAM � I�m screwed. I feel like just staying at home and crying all day, but I cant have a mental health day because Ive been sick all frickin week.

I�m having a hard time. I don�t really know what to do about it. I am taking my meds and all of that great junk. Maybe I need some time off from dad, Ive seen him the past 3 weekends in a row. I don�t know, I hate to be like that, but damn, I just feel overwhelmed right now. I�m really sensitive to EVERYTHING. I could cry at the drop of a hat.

Oh well, this too shall pass.

Its kinda funny...

2006-08-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

how my moods change. I want to crawl under a rock and die. Guess I need to mark this on the good old mood chart. whatever good that shit does. I hope this doesnt last long...but it seems my moods are up a couple of weeks and down a couple. no fun on the road ahead.

by the way, the chick I liked moved far far away, so I dont have to worry about that anymore. Its actually a very good thing.

Razorblade by Blue October

2006-08-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There's an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to...
to every walk of life
I haven't met another you since you were with me.

A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

In a way, I failed religionI
spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There's no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!
It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

Tired of It

2006-08-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think this blog is just bullshit. Can you tell I forgot my meds today?

Pagans Night Out

2006-08-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the other night I was at Javawerks and I met a guy that is a professional illustrator. He had some paintings with him and he was really cool and sat down with me and showed me how to do some stuff. He was very cool. He was with his girlfriend and another friend. They invited me to sit with them. They all wore black and had the goth thing going on, but I thought they were nice, so I sat with them. They invited me to their house Wednesday for "Pagans Night Out", I am considering it. I told them I was very Christian and they said that was cool, that they just talk and eat. The illustrator guy told me he would show me more stuff if I came over. So I am thinking about it. I know I am probably nuts for considering it. But, hey, Jesus hung out with interesting people, not the goody 2 shoes of the world....so we shall see. I just want to see the guys paintings and learn some stuff. I'm thinking about a blog post called "Why Chrisitianity"...I think I need to have that totally clear in my mind in case I am asked...and it helps me to get my mind clear when I write about things.

Some Pics

2006-08-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

Gaydom & Contentment

2006-08-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

I�m struggling with my sexuality AGAIN. Whats new? Anyway, deep down inside I know that I am gay. I have said this before. I just don�t WANT to be gay! I don�t think its what God wants for me. But sometimes I wonder, maybe he made me that way, knows how I am and loves me anyway. My family doesn�t see it that way though. I don�t know. Its such a frustrating thing. Theres a girl I really like right now and its killing me. I don�t want to want her, but I do. Not everyone struggles with this obviously. Why cant I be one of those people that would never consider being with someone of the same sex. Life would be so much easier for me. I wouldn�t totally hate myself. I cant be happy being gay because I think its wrong, but I cant be happy being straight because Im frickin gay. It sucks. I wish I struggled with something else�alcohol, drugs, something! Why this? Why me?

I met a cool guy online, but he lives 90 million miles away and its weird with me and guys. I can like them as friends, but when it comes to sex, things just don�t work out. I swear this crap makes me want to die. I wont do it, of course, but it makes me think that way.

About the being content thing. I didn�t mean it as being content where you are spiritually, emotionally, or even being content with where you are as far as learning and personal growth. I mainly meant it about things like where you live, your position at your job, and stuff like that. I think we shouldn�t be content as far as learning and growing�.but maybe we are supposed to be where we are as far as other things go. I don�t know. My brain isn�t working.

Contentment

2006-08-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

I wanna talk about contentment. I am never content. I always want to do something else, be something else, and go somewhere else. Our shallow humanity can never be satisfied. Why do I always seek to be something else and ignore the opportunity to just be?

Is it not enough that I am made in the image of God and I am a new creation? What if the only place that discontentment could raise its head was in our quest to be more like Christ? What would we be like then?

Maybe there is part of God�s image in us to create something valuable, to express our creativity. I�m not saying that is a bad thing at all. I am talking about whole Christians that are discontent with who they are. I can see being discontent if you feel broken, or youre a drug addict or something like that, but why cant some of us be happy just being?

Are you happy with who you are, where youre at � in your job, in life in general? Or do you get a wild hair like me? Always want to be something �better�?

Maybe God wants us where we are. I guess it all depends on how he�s working on us. Maybe he wants us to do �better� things. Maybe if we concentrate on doing God�s will, our discontentment will go away�I�ll pray about it. Theres nothing wrong with where I am at, and I don�t feel like God wants me to do anything different right now, other than trying to be more like Christ�.so I need to get over it.

The Madness of Belief

2006-08-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

The tragedy with growing up
Is not that we lose childishness
In its simplicity,
But that we lose childlikeness
In its sublimity.

Plato said that “Belief is the position of a child; knowledge was that of an adult.”

I’m trying to tie these 2 things together here because they relate to each other in my mind. I have a wild mind, so they may seem as 2 completely random things to you, but they don’t to me and I’ll try to explain.

To believe in God, one may say that you have to be crazy. Its been said that discipleship is a life of supreme madness. You have to let go and be like a child and believe, without the knowledge of actually seeing God. This is hard sometimes. It’s hard for me. I like to know WHY and WHO and WHERE and WHEN…and we don’t get all of the answers we want as adults when it comes to God. God wants us to come to Him like a child. Completely vulnerable, completely believing…and as humans, most of us can’t completely because its so frickin hard without answers to questions. I want to marvel like a child at God’s love and grace. God knows our weaknesses. He knows that sometimes we doubt, and when that happens all we can do is rest in his presence and ask for a touch of madness.

From Depression Hurt's Myspace Page

2006-08-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

I love this.

The Void

2006-08-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

I write a lot about prayer because it usually frustrates the hell out of me. I read something recently (aren’t I always) about prayer, it said, “Pray as you can; not as you cant….Sometimes you will feel a void, but remember that void is saturated with love.” I like that. God doesn’t go anywhere. I get frustrated with “the void”. I want to hear something back, but it doesn’t always work like that. Most of the time with me, I cant relax or concentrate, or Im hurting too bad for words. I have to remember in times like that, that the void I feel is saturated with love. He’s there, even when I cant be completely. I have to just let my body cry to the God that hears me. We have to pray as we can, not force ourselves to pray as we cant. Prayer shouldn’t be frustrating, but I tell ya, I have a hard time with it sometimes. I need to remember that God delights in the fact that I try and that I want to talk to Him. It doesn’t have to be a major event or anything. When little kids jump up in their dads lap and are too tired to play or talk, and they fall asleep…do you think that dad loves them less? Or do you think he thinks its awesome to hold his child? I want to think of prayer like that. I also wanna remember that EVERYONE feels “the void” sometimes. Its not just me. God hasn’t left me, He knows how I am feeling and what I need, even if I cant utter a word.

Continuity of Character

2006-08-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

I read something the other day that said that one virtue of a Christian is continuity of character. I think that means that you act the same way around everyone. Your friends, your pastor, etc. That�s hard. You have to be really attentive to your behavior I guess, until you get used to it. For me, I�d cuss in front of my friends, but I wouldn�t in front of my pastor (Unless by accident, which is always possible for me). Anyway, its something I need to work on. We all have different personalities around certain people, when we should just be ourselves all the time. Being ourselves, we should strive to be like Christ. Its hard to remember and control. We all have sinful natures, so its easy to go with the flow. Anyway, just a thought�something I want to work on anyway.

Pics from my Bday

2006-08-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

Un-sucky Birthday Day

2006-08-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

Since it was officially still my birthday until 7:10 this evening, my mom cooked dinner and we had a birthday party. It was cool, it felt like one of the good birthdays when I was a kid. We had cake and ice cream and I got presents. It was fun, it made up for yesterday bigtime. My brother was there, and my cousin and his wife, and my grandparents. It was really cool. Ive gotta remember that I can count on the family to come through. We sat outside on the porch and I took some pictures of hummingbirds. My mom played on the banjo (which she is just learning) and my brother played the guitar. It was fun.

Birthday

2006-08-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks guys. Well, the 27th birthday is not going to go down in history as one of my best. I guess that’s alright, they cant all be spent in Panama City getting drunk. My grandparents came down for lunch and that was really nice. My grandmother went nuts and cleaned my kitchen, which was extremely nice. Since they left though, I have done nothing but lay on the couch. My brother wanted me to go with him to listen to a bluegrass band, but that’s really not my thing and like a dumbass, I told him I didn’t want to go. I wish you guys were here. I almost went and drank a beer somewhere by myself. That’s sad. Oh well, I think birthdays get suckier as you get older. Tomorrow night my mom is going to cook dinner for me though, so that will be good. I think my brother will be there. I am not sure though, he has to go to Tuscaloosa and get a bunch of junk out of his apt. I’m glad this birthday is over. Ive never been a fan of my birthday, Ive had a lot of crappy stuff happen on birthdays....However, knowing that, this one couldve been a lot worse.

Party Time

2006-08-01T04:25:00.000-07:00

Its my birthday. I lived another year. Yay.

Letter from God

2006-07-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

Has it crossed your mind that I am proud that you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven’t given up? Proud that you believe in me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting me? Alas, I am sad when you do not believe I have forgiven you, or you feel uncomfortable approaching me.

-- The Ragamuffin's Gospel, by Brennan Manning

On a Plane Over Arizona

2006-07-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

Throbbing, pounding,
My heart is in my hears
And in your hands
Beads of sweat drop from my brow
My hands cold and wet
Will you love me in the dark
When all you can see is my innocence
And all you can feel is my love
All I desire in the world is to hold you
Protect you from yourself
And the evil the earth breathes
Will you like my taste
As I kiss the beautiful lips
That God granted only to angels
Will my fingertips make you tingle
Like in my dreams when I touch you
Not necessarily in the heat of passion
But what a passion indeed is mine
To finally touch the skin of the one Ive longed for
For so long
To hold your hand
Would send me into that sweet universe
I have created for us alone
The place where we can laugh and play
Talk and tickle, kiss and cuddle
And the world is not there
We do not have to be afraid
We love and live
On our beautiful cloud of peace
No sweat is on my brow, my hands
I am at peace within, my mind
Does not race or worry
Concentration is on you, your mind
Your divine body and the child
That hides behind your September eyes
I no longer am afraid, but my heart still pounds,
Throbs, beats…loud like an earthquake in my soul
For you…forever for you.

What causes BP & Other Questions

2006-07-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

I’m going with what I’ve read here, so I hope I don’t piss anyone off or anything with how I’m going to answer these questions. Well, really I don’t care :)

Question 1: do you think people are born bipolar, or does it just develop based on certain factors, like genetic ones, or trauma, or chemical imbalances, or environmental causes?

D- all of the above. Most people with bipolar disorder have it in their family somewhere. I’ve also read that if you are predisposed to having bipolar disorder, a lot of times it is set off by trauma or environmental causes. For me, I think puberty/divorce/remarriage/drugs/alcohol all played a part in making me crazy. I think it all started about age 12. I also read on about.com that The American Journal of Psychiatry reports "in those with bipolar disorder, two major areas of the brain contain 30 percent more cells that send signals to other brain cells." This report theorizes that "the extra signal-sending cells may lead to a kind of overstimulation, which makes sense considering the symptoms of bipolar disorder." Soooo…the chemical imbalance thing is mixed in there too.

Question 2: sometimes I think every single person has some degree of bipolarity in them. Do you think so, or has any of your reading and research indicated anything to support this?

I haven’t read anything to support that….but we all have mood swings. Ours are just waaaaayyy more severe and frequent. I think to be bipolar you have to have had at least one MAJOR bout of depression and mania. The severity usually means not being able to get out of bed, irritability, zoning out bigtime, bouncing off the walls, not sleeping for a long time, sometimes hearing or seeing things that aren’t there….most of the symptoms are things that most normal people don’t experience.

Question 3: do you think the tendency for bipolarity is an inherited one? Do you think anybody else in your immediate family has it?

Yes. I think the first question my NP asked me was who else in my family is bipolar. I think my dad may be, Im not sure. I don’t know much about his side of the family. On my mom’s side, there have been a few suicides. Depression runs on her side, most definitely. But as far as immediate family, my dad is the prime suspect.

Hope that kinda helps. Got any more questions? If anyone else wants to throw their 2 cents in, I'd love to hear it. My answers are just based on things Ive read and my own personal experience.

Using Our Hardships

2006-07-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to assure you all that I am not manic. It really is strange to me how I can talk about blowing my brains out and no one says anything, but when I talk about Jesus, I “scare” some people. I feel fine, not too up, not too down. I think I am doing better since I decreased my anti-D and my mood stabilizer. The less drugs the better in my opinion. I’m doing well, and I feel like I am getting back on the right track. Anyway, on to what I want to say…

I hate being Bipolar. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to give this to. Ups and downs and meds and freak outs. It sucks, bigtime and its something I will deal with forever.

I guess my afflictions aren’t as bad as Paul’s were….Ive never been in jail for no reason (well, Ive never been in jail at all), Ive never been stoned, or had to swim for my life after my boat sank. So I have it pretty good. Paul was chosen by God to spread the gospel, yet He allowed him to have many afflictions. I don’t get it.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all" (Psalm 34:19)

Paul was cool with being afflicted by crappiness. He saw it as a blessing. Paul counted himself lucky to be worthy of suffering for Christ’s sake. He felt like he was in training. He became a veteran of knowing God’s faithfulness because he needed Him so much. God used Paul’s afflictions for a purpose. He showed us that even the righteous suffer, but He does deliver them.

God isn’t going to cure me from being Bipolar, He chose me for this. Why? I don’t know, but He will use it for a purpose. He wont give me anything that I cant handle, even when I am on the edge of looking for a firearm. He’s there. God puts us through afflictions to make us fruitful. I once figured out that everywhere I’ve been and all Ive been through has made me exactly who I am today. If I hadn’t been through so much, my personality would be different. I would be a different person.

I think we have to use our sufferings for good. We cant always see what the good will be when we are in the middle of hell, but God doesn’t give us crap for nothing. We have to figure out how to use it and take into consideration how the misery is molding us.

Zap!

2006-07-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

I listened to a Max Lucado podcast this morning that made me think a lot, and then I listened to Jeremy Camps This Man and it struck me like never before what exactly Jesus did for us.

Can you imagine knowing your whole life the day you would die and how it would all go down. Can you imagine knowing your friends would betray you the whole time you hung out with them. Jesus knew Judas would betray him, he knew Peter would deny him, yet he loved them. Can you imagine the fear Jesus must have felt in the garden before He was arrested, yet He healed the soldier’s ear when Peter chopped it off.

Not only did Jesus go to the cross, knowing everything that would happen, He could have zapped any of his enemies. With a twitch of His nose, he couldve disintegrated the man who whipped Him, He couldve paralyzed the hands that nailed him to the cross. He couldve called angels to battle. He couldve done something! So, why didnt He? I know I would have. He couldve turned the soldiers spit to blood and killed them, He couldve risen up and shown His glory. But, he took it all. All of the pain of the whole world – he took it all on. He knew that His father would turn His face from all of the sin of the world and let Him die a horrible death. Why would a human do that? He was just as human as you or me. Why??

Ive been through some rough stuff, some of which I wont even talk about at all, and other people have been through so much worse. He took on ALL of our suffering, ALL of the pain of the world, ALL of our sins. Can you comprehend that? His father turned His head. Jesus cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Have you felt forsaken? I have. He felt what we feel. He took it all on. Why in the world??

He wanted to save us THAT much. He loved us all THAT much. I wouldve been zapping some asses left and right, I know that…but not Jesus. He CHOSE to die for us. He chose not to zap some asses. He chose to be betrayed, forsaken, beaten, nailed, speared, spit on, thirsty…He chose to feel all of the pain in the whole world, He chose to save us from all of our sins. Why? Love. I cant fathom it.

Trust (again)

2006-07-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like your life is constantly shattered? Broken? And you cant do a thing about it? I feel that way all the time. Tonight I read something that said “You only love God as much as you trust Him, and you only trust Him as much as you love Him.” So, with my shattered life, I have to trust God to have some hefty crazy glue. That’s hard. When you've been hurt so badly by the human experience, when you don’t have any friends, the very few you have wont pick up the phone when you call, basically life sucks. I think that’s the point though. We have to trust God that what lies in the next life will be better. I hope so. Its so hard for me to trust. People aren’t truthful, people don’t care, people hurt you…but God is not like that and that’s hard to fathom because all we experience right now is earthly. God is true, real, and means what He says. He says He loves us no matter what we do; He’s always there to answer the phone when all you need is to hear a voice. I’m getting better at realizing this. My prayer life has improved. I caught myself talking to God driving home from the coffee shop tonight, and that’s how I like it. I like just talking to Him as a friend. He’s the best friend we can have. He comforts, protects, loves unconditionally….and we have to trust that. I hope one day I can completely, without any hindrance – trust…with all my heart and soul. I will pray about it tonight. I want to trust more and more so badly.

Vulnerability

2006-07-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, I've cut my meds down alittle. I cut my Lamictal to 100 instead of 200mg, I hardly ever remember to take it at night anyway, and I cut my Cymbalta from 90 to 60mg. I guess if I freak out, I will go back to the regular dosage, but at the moment I feel really good. I am still lethargic, but I have decided that is just my nature. I don't know if its stress, boredom, or what, but I am just tired all the time. I don't think it has anything to do with meds. Anyway, I thought I would throw in that update.

I tried the centering prayer last night. I tried to concentrate really hard and said "Abba" over and over again. To tell the truth, it was almost uncomfortable because I felt really vulnerable -but that's good. I felt something I haven't before. I have felt God's presence in my life, but this was a different feeling. I cant really describe it, other than a vulnerability that I think I have never given to Him before. It was scary sort of, but in a good way. I felt like my prayers where sincere and heard. I think I will try it more often. I think saying the word Abba over and over again really helped me concentrate, and as we all know, I have major difficulty with that. I really felt more of a trust with the Lord also, which was interesting. I felt like I was giving Him my whole self. Sometimes during rushed prayer, or prayer when I cant concentrate, I feel like I am holding back my deepest self. I liked the centering thing. I will defini tely try it more often, maybe with different words. It was pretty cool.

The Fatherless

2006-07-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

My dad is a pretty cold dude. Growing up, we didn’t communicate unless I was in trouble, which was often…or when he felt like using me as a weapon against my mom. I grew up feeling like I didn’t have a dad. My grandfather kind of took his place, but I didn’t have a dad like other people’s dads. I’d go spend the night with a friend and was awestruck that they had dads that talked to them and did stuff with them, basically I was totally in awe of normal dads. I wanted a dad like them…but it wasn’t to be.

Today I read an article on centered prayer…this guy talked about saying a word over and over until you felt the Holy Spirit. He said that sometimes he will go weeks feeling nothing, but when it happens, it brings him tears of joy. I want tears of joy! I think I will try it tonight. I read a lot about some older forms of prayer and I think its cool to pray in different ways. So tonight my word is going to be Abba.

I am choosing the word Abba because I do have a daddy that wants to be with me. God is the best father in the world. I think about how cool it would’ve been to be hugged in a normal way by my dad growing up, and I know that will never happen….but I can curl up in God’s arms.

I’m feeling really lonely tonight and I really need some comfort. Thank God I can go to Him.

Bipolar Christian

2006-07-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much better than I was a week ago, I can promise you that. I am still very lethargic. I slept a lot today when I got home, but I made myself get out and go get some coffee. I read some of the Raggamuffins Gospel and the daily Bread for the Journey inspiration. It seems like God allows me to be able to read what he wants me to read.

Anyway, I read a paragraph on moods, and it said “Your moods are not your spiritual life.” I like that because I have a tough time discerning those things. If I feel down, I feel like I have gotten far from God. When I am doing fine, I feel like I can get close to Him through prayer and reading. This is stupid. God is most likely closest to us when we are down for the count, even when we struggle to wash our hair, get out of bed, brush our teeth…do the menial things in life. My spiritual life has nothing to do with my moods. I need to get this through my thick skull. I can be unable to pray and God is there listening to my body cry. I am His whether I am happy, sad, desperate, crying, laughing….I am His.

Because I am Bipolar and have such mood swings, I feel like I have an up and down relationship with God. That’s really not the case. I have an up and down relationship with my moods. God knows my weaknesses, even if I don’t know them all. He cares, He understands, and He loves me. That’s a trip to me.

Beams of Love

2006-07-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

“We are here to learn to endure the beams of love.” – William Blake

I read that this morning and it made me think about a lot of different things. We are here to LEARN TO ENDURE love. I think it made me think of all of my trust issues the most. I have trust issues with people and with God.

I looked up the word endure in the dictionary (yes, I am a nerd). Anyway, it means to accept, sometimes with hardship. I relate to the hardship part.

Why is it so hard to accept love? I think for me, its hard to believe I deserve it from people. I don’t understand WHY someone would love me. I know there are reasons. However, I don’t deserve it from God. He knows my insides and how ugly they can be. Theres nothing I can do to earn His love. It’s a free gift. That’s hard to accept. Why, I don’t know. I read a story in the Raggamuffin’s Gospel about a kid who knocked on a friends door and when the door was opened, he asked “where are the cookies”. He wanted a free gift and accepted it without thinking. I think we have to learn to be like little kids with God.

Mat 18:1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2 And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them 3 and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, 6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Kids accept love, from their parents and anyone else willing to hand it out. They trust. They love back. That’s what we have to do. Its hard because we grow up and realize that the world is a tough place to live. We learn about hurt. So we have to re-learn to allow ourselves to be loved. Its definitely something I need to work on.

Testimony Part 2

2006-07-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start this off as Things God Has Done for Me….but there are so many things and I want to keep this kind of short so I will talk about the main thing, I guess, and probably wander off to other things as usual.

I’ve attempted suicide 4 times and I am still alive today. The Lord said that His power is at it best in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9) If you looked up weak in the dictionary, I would be the shining face smiling back at you. I am weak. I have mental issues, obviously, but I am weak in all sorts of ways. I am inadequate to save myself, I am insufficient at running my life, and have the inability to do anything about it. Inadequate, Insufficient, and Inability….those things are tough to admit. But, God knows this. God knows I am weak and His power is best in weakness. Thank God. God doesn’t care what we’ve done. Jesus’ blood paid for it all. All we have to do is accept Him and love Him back. THAT’S IT…that’s all we have to do! Its amazing to me. Theres not a thing in the world we can do to deserve it, or do to throw it away…HE LOVES US ANYWAY. All the past crap is gone.

I think another thing that really got to me is that God hung out with the rough crowd. He hung out with people of other castes – like hookers & tax collectors (which were really looked down upon in those days because they taxed what they wanted to tax and kept the rest for themselves). Anyway, to put it in perspective….To ask someone to eat with you was to ask for their friendship back in the Jesus days. If Jesus were here today in body, he would dine with the whores, the AIDS victims, the drug addicts, tattooed long haired bikers, the folks who have tried to kill themselves, you name it – the people that some of us are afraid to eat with ourselves – Jesus loved them. That means he loved all people, even the sinners. Even ME. We’ll never be perfect. God knows this. Jesus paid for our sins already.

Anyway, these are just a couple of things I came to realize early on. I know that a few of you are Christians that read this; I’d love to hear what you think, or maybe even your own story.

Testimony Part 1

2006-07-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

I realize that testimonies are supposed to be kind of short because you don’t want to bore to death the person you are trying to tell the story to, but mine is not short. Its also not one that I would be comfortable sharing in a pulpit on a Sunday night or even with a group of people that go to my church. I feel comfortable only sharing it with people I feel like can relate in some way…some of my testimony is hard to handle.

So…here we go.

I grew up in church. My grandmother made sure I went every Sunday and my mom was the pianist at my church. I grew up knowing all of the stories, etc. that kids get from church. When I was 8 or 9, I got baptized because I felt some pressure from my family and our pastor was moving. I had really loved his family and wanted him to be the one to baptize me….so, splash, there you go.

Anyway, to try to make this short and sweet - my dad was a nutcase, my mom had an affair with the preacher who did our revival and a nasty divorce was on the horizon. Life didn’t get better, because preacher man was a psycho alcoholic and it was pretty rough.

Around 12 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol; this lasted for a long time. I was really messed up for a while. I mainly smoked pot and dropped acid. Anyway, it was not good. I still went to church on Sunday mornings after tripping on acid on a Saturday night. I thought God had abandoned me and I was pissed as hell at him.

I met a woman around the time I was 19 or so and we began a relationship. It was great at the beginning, I thought. In fact, it was great for years. However, the drugs and alcohol put a damper on things, I was diagnosed as Bipolar, and she was an alcoholic that was very possessive of me. Basically, I started going insane.

I was looking for something I didn’t have. Something was missing. I was in despair, I was confused….and I started asking questions. I have a friend who was very supportive and even if I frustrated or confused the hell out of her, a simple answer of “I usually turn it over to God”, or explaining to me that God really really did still love me even though I had done such terrible things…it got through to me somehow.

I felt like having a same sex relationship wasn’t what God wanted for me and after a heck of a time, I left. I stepped back into a local church, which was really hard for me because I had some major issues with pastors (see the above psycho alcoholic thing), and I still was wary about letting God in. I have trust issues to say the least. I started reading my Bible (I had to dust 20 pounds of dust off of it….ok, ok, so I bought a new one)…One night I came upon this:

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.

4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgment.

5 Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.

6 You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.

14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 For you have no delight in sacrifice;
if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

17 The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

That’s Psalm 51 and that’s David talking to God. David was a good old dude until he wanted this chick for himself so he had her husband killed. Not too cool. Soooo, it hit me that David, who had a guy killed so he could have his woman, could pray for forgiveness and restoration of his joy…then why cant I?? God loved David and blessed him tremendously even after the sin of all sins. I felt like I had no joy, and if God would give that back to me, then by heavens sakes I wanted him to. Like David, I wanted to be cleansed of all my mess. I wanted a pure heart and a pure mind. So I read the 51st Psalm to God, it was coming from me, not David.

Spiritual Frustration

2006-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated with myself, not with God. I just realize how much I fail Him every day. I sat at a local coffee shop tonight with some people, one of which I know, a couple of which I don't. When I got home and pondered the whole event, it really saddened me when I realized that I can sit with strangers and exercise my potty mouth and recall old stories of when I was taking drugs...I can give my input on different types of drugs to people I don't know, but I cant have an intimate conversation with God. I'm bothered by this. My mouth has gotten out of control. What Christian talks about dropping acid with strangers? I don't know, Im not too proud of myself at the moment. I think I will write out my testimony tomorrow. It helps to see it on paper....to see where I came from, to see what happened to change me, and to realize that God hasn't wandered off, even if I have.

Praying When Depressed

2006-07-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

This morning I read an article on Praying In Depression. Heres a link to the article: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/145/story_14508_1.html Beliefnet rocks, I recommend checking it out.

Anyway, here are some of the suggestions in the article, maybe I will try some of them:

Ideas for Praying When Depressed

St. Gregory Nazianzus wrote these words during a time when he found anxiety and depression crowding out any space for prayer in his soul:

The breath of life, O Lord, seems spent. My body is tense, my mind filled with anxiety, yet I have no zest, no energy. I am helpless to allay my fears. I am incapable of relaxing my limbs. Dark thoughts constantly invade my head . Lord, raise up my soul, revive my body.

If this is happening to you, try these forms of prayer and contemplative love:

1. Try to find a quiet place. Put on some soothing music. Keep it soft and gentle. Take a few deep breaths, holding each one for a few seconds and then slowly exhaling. Relax. Feel the chair you're sitting on, your feet on the floor. Smell the scents in the room. Imagine Jesus coming toward you with a smile on his face. Tell him how you are feeling right now-anxious, uncomfortable, fidgety, distracted, wanting to focus. Tell him what things are like for you today. Open your heart to him. Feel his presence very close to you. Let his love into your heart. Thank him for this gift.

2. Go for a walk. Take some pleasant music with you. As you go, notice the sky, feel the season. Recognize what is around you. Feel at home right now. Offer your heart to Jesus, even if your pain is deep. Though you may be alone on your walk, Jesus is in your heart. Tell him what you see ...the beauty around you. Tell him how you feel ...even if it is dark. Remember he wants you to tell him everything in your life ...joys and pains.

3. Call to mind someone else you know who is hurting or sick. Focus for a few minutes on what that person may be feeling, and on what you would like to say to him or her. Lift this person up by name to Jesus and ask his blessing on them.

4. Hold a crucifix in your hands. Close your eyes and think of Jesus in agony. Join your sufferings to his in his act of redemption.

5. If you're feeling low, go to a quiet place and hold your Bible. Read Psalm 130 or focus on a phrase of it. Embrace how you feel, even if it's uncomfortable. Know that God is loving you through these moments of darkness.

6. When you are unable to focus because your mind is racing, try to remember and pray the words, "My God, I love you." Open yourself to God's love.

7. Turn on soft music. Read this Bible verse over and over while thinking about it: "My God, my God, why have you forgotten me?" (cf. Mk 15:34). This is Jesus' own prayer of emptiness and abandonment.

8. When you pass by your local church, stop in for a few minutes. Pause and connect with the One who loves you.

9. If you cant get up, lie still and repeat the name of Jesus over, and over, and over. His love catches these words and he embraces you with love.

10. Go to Eucharistic adoration and spend some time in God's presence.

More Fish For My Mom

2006-07-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Jesus Doesnt Want Me As A Sunbeam

2006-07-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Another day in Bipolarland. I actually finished a drawing today. It would usually take me about 20 minutes, instead it has taken me 3 days. I guess I just need to shut up and face up to the reality that life has to suck.

I read something interesting on Beliefnet today. It was talking about how your spiritual life can affect your health. My spiritual life is in the gutter right now. I feel so far away from God its not even funny. My prayer life has dwindled. I almost treat God as an answering machine. I pray for others and never for myself because I don’t feel I deserve it. I haven’t been reading my Bible. I haven’t been going to Sunday School or church services on Sunday mornings. I have been depending on Sunday night services to get me through the week, and I think that’s not enough. Its all part of having no motivation, it takes too much energy, isn’t that sad. Anyway, as I was reading I thought maybe my relationship with God does affect my health. I don’t know. I always do better when I am reading something about the Lord or digging in my Bible, but it just hasn’t happened for me lately. I don’t have the concentration required for in-depth prayer or reading. I don’t know how to fix it either. I need to read something Christian based that has really short chapters so I can concentrate through one small chapter at a time. I need to work harder when I try to pray. I swear Ive been praying like Im leaving God a message, not speaking to Him face to face. All of that depresses me. I miss feeling like I am a child of His. I feel more like an acquaintance at the moment.

Anyway, that’s my thought of the day.

Crappy Day

2006-07-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, so I�m taking my medicine (all because Maggs cussed me out, I love you Maggs!) My NP said to take my frickin medicine and that lots of bipolar people want off their meds because they miss the fun of the highs. I am really missing it right now because I feel like crap. Once again, I cant concentrate on anything and I�m really tired. My NP said I would be sluggish. No shit. Sluggish doesnt even touch how I feel right now. I cant do ANYTHING. I am restless as all hell. I want to walk around a lot, I cant sit still. Its either run around or sleep. I would prefer sleep, but I need to work because I have been a flake this week and havent done much. I took off Monday and yesterday. For everyones info, I have taken my meds since Monday. I am totally on the depressive side of things right now. I think thats one reason I want to stop my meds. They dont seem to do much for me as far as depression goes. I have taken every anti-depressant k nown to mankind and they might work for a little while, but its like they wear off or something. I dont know what the deal is, but my NP doesnt want to change anything because she likes where I am at at the moment. I wish I liked where I am at. That doesnt seem to be an option though. Damn. Does anyone have any advice as far as what you can do to increase your concentration, motivation, and creativity? Any advice on how to perk yourself up when you are lethargic? I need some sort of help here. Im not going to be compliant with my meds very long if this keeps up, even though I know I should. I wish someone would see my side of this.

My New Self-Prescribed Meds

2006-07-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

More Med Talk

2006-07-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

I'm weaning off of this shit starting tonight. I'm going to call my NP in the morning to tell her. She probably isnt gonna like it too much, but I would rather die than be like I am right now. I think I have some depression going on, but I dont care. I guess thas how it is with depression, you just dont give a shit. Oh well.

Freedom

2006-07-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Don’t worry, Im not going to make a final exit or anything. I have thoughts of suicide every single day of my life and in almost 27 years I have yet to go through with it. I have no plan, I’m not planning on getting a firearm, or doing anything else stupid (or anything even more stupid than Ive already done, I guess I should say). The firearm comment was a passing thought at the time, so everyone can chill.

I am feeling blah today. Very dull, very tired, very irritable. I think I will go get a nerf ball so I can throw something thats not breakable. The doors in my house are already marked up from past throwing fits.

I feel trapped inside my body. Does that make sense? My mind is fairly active, but it wont come out. I feel like my thoughts are blocked off with some sort of barricade. Its very frustrating. I feel sort of mixed up in a helpless way. I do feel helpless and hopeless, but Im not really depressed. I am just nothing…not happy, not sad, I am fairly emotionless. I am lonely and tired and I feel like I can do nothing but sit on my couch. I dont watch tv because it takes too much energy to turn it on and look through the channels. I cant read because it doesnt appeal to me and I get bored. I usually read several books a month. Drawing isnt fun because it requires energy, motivation, and creativity – all things I do not possess at this time.

Why does it have to be this way? I guess we werent promised a fun life or anything like that, but some spark every once in a while would be nice. I just want to function like a normal person. I want to laugh and feel and do things that I enjoy. I want freedom from this cell that I feel like I am stuck in. Thats what I feel like. I feel like I am stuck in a prison cell and I am one of the most free spirited people I can think of. I cant stand to be stuck and I am stuck.

What can I do about it? Theres no one to pull my ass off the couch and MAKE me do something. That would be nice. I would probably grow quite resentful of the person, but at least I would be made to do something.

I want to write like I used to. Poetry is out of the question. I can read short stories, but thats about it. I can have a pencil and a piece of paper and instead of something jumping out at me, I see a blank sheet of paper and it just stares at me.

I want to be free damn it.

Medicine - The Other White Meat

2006-07-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I took my meds this morning because I basically was paranoid as hell last night. If we arent already crazy, it'll sure happen trying to get meds out of your system. I swear. Anyway, I hate meds. I guess I am bound to be a boring person thats bored all the time. I hate having to depend on something for sanity. I feel like I am poisoning myself. However, its a good thing I dont own a firearm because I probably wouldve used it on myself last night. This fucking sucks.

My new idea

2006-07-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

is to take weekends off from meds....think that would work? I am painting like mad, but I am shaking a lot too...I will take them tonight and in the morning before I go to work.

They arent very good....

2006-07-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

...but they keep coming out.

A couple more

2006-07-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

Someone asked if I was manic or depressed? I would say I am a tad bit hypomanic, but so far its not a bad thing.

What happens when I dont take my meds.....

2006-07-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I need to take my meds....but I sure am having fun. I am working on a watercolor painting too.

Havent Killed Anyone Yet

2006-07-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I am not in jail, so I did not murder anyone, but that doesnt mean that I dont want to. I am trying to be civilized about the step-dad situation. I went to eat with them last night and I didn�t bash his head in or anything, I just didn�t speak to him unless I had to. He is going through some sort of major episode. He hasnt slept in 3 days and he was trying to convince me that the government had put cameras in the direct tv box and was monitoring everything he watches on tv. He will not go to the doctor. I tried to tell mom to take him, but she says he will fake them out and make her look like the one who is crazy and shes right. He is such a fake.

Anyway, I am doing alright. I am doing good at work and getting lots done. The problem comes when I get home. I get very bored and unmotivated. I don�t do much except sleep when I am home. I cant draw or play the guitar. I havent been online much and I still need to do some cleaning in my room. I need alittle mania. Its weird, I have read a few blogs that have said the same thing. Maybe its the time of the year or something.

I met with my school advisor yesterday and he told me the classes to take. Since I am part time I am taking 2 classes, Construction Modeling and Animation and I am taking one of my thesis classes. I have no clue what my thesis will be on, but I am supposed to select a Graduate Committee and a Graduate Chair to help me out. School starts the 23^rd of August. I am worried that meds have made me dull and dumb, I hope I can hang.

Anger

2006-07-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm having a major fit of anger and I need to get it out, so you poor folks get to be the recipients.

Sorry.

Anyway, my step-dad is being a huge ass to my mom and I dont know what to do about it. My mom called me tonight and told me that he woke her up at 2 am and said all kinds of crap, she didnt tell me if he touched her. I would kill him. My whole life I have wanted to. He is a preacher and my mom said that after all of that in the middle of the night, one of the people in his congregation called and my step-dad asked him if he minded if they had a word of prayer. I SWEAR to you the man is mentally ill, but he wont do anything about it. He's one of those people that can fool the world into thinking he's this great godly man until he's behind closed doors and then he is just plain crazy.

Thats how my day is going.

I went to see my NP today. Everything went fine, no med changes. I complained about the no creaticity/motivation thing, but she said I was just bored with normal life. I am bored with normal life. It sucks.

wild abandon - a bipolar blog

2010

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Catching Up

Feeling Pretty Ok

I think I have a case of the Mondays already.

Kill Me Now

Long Weekend

My Kicked Ass

Stuff

Cymbalta and School

School Daze

Raving Lunatic

What I know About My Meds

Bipolar & Useless

Casting Crowns - Prodigal

The Prodigal Jil

Some Dribble

"Friends"

Alittle Better

Under Attack

Weapons of Past Destruction

Its kinda funny...

Razorblade by Blue October

Tired of It

Pagans Night Out

Some Pics

Gaydom & Contentment

Contentment

The Madness of Belief

From Depression Hurt's Myspace Page

The Void

Continuity of Character

Pics from my Bday

Un-sucky Birthday Day

Birthday

Party Time

Letter from God

On a Plane Over Arizona

What causes BP & Other Questions

Using Our Hardships

Zap!

Trust (again)

Mothers Day & A Cup of Hypomania